I found out in the past few days that Court (one of Rick's brothers) and his girlfriend, Jae broke up. Apparantly, she wasn't looking for anything serious, but of course Court didn't see it that way. I also found out yesterday that Brian and his girlfriend, Gen broke up... after I had made a fool of myself in front of them. Everyone was leaving Charita's house and then we were talking about rides and one of the girls, Daphne suggested Gen ride in my car, cause she lives close to me, but Brian said, it's okay, I can take her home. And I blurted out that of course Brian would want to take her home cause Brian would want to be with his girlfriend. Stupid me. I said some other stuff too, but man I feel so bad.
I was talking about this with Charita this morning as well, and she finds it weird that I care so much when I don't care about all the other times I've made a fool of myself. I don't know, it's just different this time... and I feel so bad, but I'm scared to apologize cause I'm afraid that I'll bring up bad memories mentioning the past. Sore subject and all that... but damn, I feel bad. I'm sure they're okay with it by now, but still.
I've been really emotional lately and I'm not really sure why. Little dumb stuff, really puts me to near tears. I just think about it, and I get all sad and kinda depressed. Like, even when I hear sad music sometimes. I dunno, maybe it's just a sad time in general because things are going to be changing. Man, I really don't want to think about this anymore.
I'm never really fully included in anything anymore. Like, I didn't know about the break ups... and I'm just so out of the loop. People don't tell me stuff and I can't say that I really blame them because I'm never there you know? I'm never hanging out with them and sometimes when you lack apperance, you start to become forgotten... that's another thing that makes me sad. I feel like I'm starting to get forgotten and I'm sad, yeah, but another part of me has already accepted it. After all, I'm the one leaving them, not the other way around... and I so wish I could stay... I can't talk about this anymore, without wanting to cry.
Jesse came back on AIM yesterday. That was a really short time away. I was expecting it to be longer. As much as I am glad that he's back, this means sleeping late again. Oh well. I don't always understand where Jesse's coming from, but I just enjoy talking to him so much. It's so much better than being by myself, and thinking about the crap that I was talking about in the last paragraph. I'm really homesick for a place that doesn't quite exist... and that's devastating to me, but when I talk to Jesse I forget about that for awhile. I dunno about him, but he's really the only person I talk to now, I mean, seriously talk to. I guess I carry conversations with other people as well, but it's not as long or as daily as it is with Jesse, but you know, I think that's another pattern in my life. I tend to talk to one person a lot more than the others and that person changes every once in awhile, with events that happen in my life. I mean, Eric and I used to be like that, but we broke up so we don't talk anymore... things like that.
Hey, I just realized that's the first time I mentioned him in awhile.
I really enjoyed yesterday at Charita's. Zuri now has a curfew so she had to go home at 10pm. It's a long story that I don't want to really get into, but it's a curfew that was set her freshman year... She wants to ask her parents to extend it... but god, I feel for her. I sympathize so much for Zuri, especially now in my emotional state. I dunno why I'm so emo, but it's really pissing me off, I feel so weak.
Anyway, beside the Zuri thing, we played melee and of course I kicked everyone's ass because they pretty much sucked at the game. Charita was a little-in-the-other-room and such cause that's the type of person she is... and with the exception of me making a fool of myself at the end of the night, it was great to hang out with people. I miss doing more of that kinda stuff.
You know, I can't believe it's only been a week, it seemed like longer than that and in some other ways, it's been so fast. Only about a month left till college starts. Jesse says I should take this summer to relax before school starts... (but I don't see him relaxing) but I've done enough of that. I'm bored of everything and... (I can't think of the right word) can't sit still. I want to do something instead of being bored out of my mind. This isn't relaxing at all!
Today, there's going to be a bonfire at Huntington Beach for people that went to AX, I don't know who's all going, but I know a few. I know Mark isn't going, that bum, but oh well. I'm hoping Zach will go. I didn't even get to hug him bye at AX, because he left early and without telling us. Sad. Jesse will be there too, so that'll be cool. I'll probably end up, sitting on the side talking to people, because that's more of my scene.
Well, I gotta get going now. This will be good for me because I'm tired of thinking about stupid depressing thoughts.
Good day and good grief.