I'm feeling troubled about the things that are happening around me. After my entry yesterday, I posted another entry at my xanga, where I tersely said that I knew why I was emo and it's devastating me. Charita IMed me and asked me what my xanga entry was about and I explained it to her, except that she didn't know I was talking about her. I told her how I knew everything was changing and once school starts, things would be different. She was supporting and understanding, I guess. She said that I needed to do whatever it is I need to do... and I guess I already knew that anyway. It's just so sad... talking about that with her, I wonder if she knew I was talking about her? I cried and it was the first time I cried in about 3 months and it made me feel good, because in the past few days or a week, I have been feeling a lot of tension inside me, but I just haven't been able to release it till now.
I wonder if diaryland is such a good idea, it seems that whenever I write in here, I tend to not talk about the things I mentioned in here with other people and I think that creates a hole in my friendships... at least I think that's what happened with Charita's. I stopped opening up to her... I mean with the whole Eric thing gone, I don't know what I could really say to her... opening up-wise. I tried to talk about my Charita problem with Jesse, but I only really realized it after Jesse was about to leave for England, and I didn't want him to leave worrying about me. It's kinda hypocritical though, we said things like "I'll be happy if you'll be happy" and I said I'll try, and I feel like I'm breaking that promise. I guess I'm trying on some level to be happy, but I feel like I'm being weighted down and things are pushing me down.
I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but I was supposed to go to England after AX ended for about 2 weeks or so and I was gonna stay with Jeff, but I ended up having to cancel the trip about 3 weeks before the trip and I didn't offer an explanation until about a week after I returned from AX. I haven't heard anything from him since then... no reply, no comment on xanga or livejournal. I don't even see him online on MSN messenger anymore. I wonder if he is ignoring me. I don't really blame him though. It's been pretty much like this the whole time. I always end up doing something stupid to hurt him and he just deserves so much better than me. I dunno if I'm happy or sad about this. On one level, if he never wants to speak to me, at least I won't hurt him anymore, but I will miss him and that makes me sad. I hope he at least knows how sad I am and how sorry I am. He deserves more than me.
Another thing that bothers me is that everyone's going somewhere and I'm not. I know a lot of people that went out of California and somewhere else to some kind of vacation. I want to go somewhere too. I'm tired of staying in the house and doing nothing. I'm tired of just all this stupidity. I wanna go out there and do something. I want to be more than what I am. I want to see something new, go somewhere fun... anything... but I don't know where to go... and if I go anywhere far, I'm not sure anyone could go with me... but if I go anywhere close by... Well, I wouldn't even know where I could go around here... but if it was around here, I don't think the trip would be big enough to suffice my explorational needs. *Sigh* I'm feeling extremely troubled.
Good day and good grief.