Omg! Prudence, I got all this shit to talk about... today was rather interesting. My family and I went to my mom's friend's house. She is a fellow employee at her job. It was just us and them. Her name is May and she's Chinese. I don't know how old she is, but she has a 22-year-old daughter (that's in China). May is married to a white guy named Russell. He doesn't really know any Chinese. May does though, of course. We had some good food there! Hmm... I had the first good meal in weeks. I mean before, I'd barely eat 2 meals a day. The normal amount was 1 meal a day. Don't ask me how I survive something like that, I think it's the weather. I tend to eat less in the summer. That's a good thing too... people are always lying around in the summer, I don't need the fat to be added on.

Well anyway, not only was the food great, but those two 2 people were so awesome! I was talking to them, like an adult conversation, you know? I was just like, wow! I've never had a good conversation with an adult before. I was so wowed with myself, I couldn't believe it! I mean...I was there TALKING... I've been to my mom's friend's house and junk, and I am the one that's always quiet... just there shutting up, not doing anything because I felt like I didn't belong. Well, I still don't feel like I really belong, but it was great that I got to talk to them... man... this is crazy shit... oh well anyway...

A thought came to my mind while we were talking and eating... it was about this year... I haven't really started noticing how things were until I was in 8th grade. I still remember most of it... it was awesome! Life was good for me. I was one of those happy-go-lucky girls, those girls that didn't worry about anything! Well, I was worried, but it was all homework because something's got to keep me stressed. Even life at home was good, and I went out occasionally. Then this year happened. What a horrible mess. I see now that it wasn't even just Jeff, I didn't even talk to my family. I can still recall what an every day schedule for me was. I would wake up at 7:25am, get home at 3, go online till band practice (unless practice was right after school), then I'd just watch some TV, homework, piano, go online again and then it's 1am. I don't know how it happened... but it just did. I mean, it doesn't even sound like I did a lot of things in a day, but next thing you know, it's 1am and here I am, still awake. On weekends, I wake up whenever I wake up... usually 12 or 2pm and then I'd usually do nothing but go online or watch TV (not that there's ever anything good on) or either that I would go to the movies with Nancy... or something like that... I had no time for anything, between all this... my mom worked 24/7. She's asleep before I go to sleep, and she doesn't get home until 8pm. Then, there's my dad who is always home, but doesn't do anything. Okay, so this is odd right? I mean, the mom works and the dad is just there... I agree. -_- Well anyway, this is a big jump up from me sleeping at 10pm. I mean my 8th grade schedule was like this: getting up at 7am, home, piano, going online, homework, some TV and I'd get to bed around 10... 11 at the latest, probably. Besides that, I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons... as early as 8:30!

However, due to this severe depression in the beginning of the year, it changed everything... because of Jeff. I didn't even notice how awful my life was... I mean, you can look back to the shit I wrote in my notebooks... it says it all from "I'm lousy" to "kill me" till "fuck you" and questioning, "why me?" I mean, I went through it all... that was probably the hardest time for me to get through. The worst part to me was that, I didn't have anyone there for me that I can talk to. Nancy's great and all, she listens, but to be honest, I didn't feel her being there for me. I felt like she was saying, "I should leave her alone... she needs to deal with this on her own." I guess it was a good thing, I don't think I wanted to get close to anyone at that point. Everything was just too hard for me to deal with... I think that was my most blurry time... I spaced out in everything. The days dragged by real long, and to be quite honest, I had pretty much driven everyone out of my life... EVERYONE. I would talk to you, but it would be like as if I'm a million miles away. I didn't really realize this until the whole thing was over. Now, I look back upon it, I can't help but wonder... maybe if someone was there for me... I wouldn't have locked everyone out, that maybe they could've helped me. It's too hard... it's much too hard on my own. I can't even deal with it.

To be quite honest, I miss my family. I've never been close to them, for reasons that are very obvious in some points... yet, I still miss them. In the end they are the ones I'll always have. I want to tell my mom a lot of things, but I don't know how... she has missed a lot of my life... and I don't think I can tell her all of it anyway. I have screwed up a lot this ending of the year and a lot of shit has happened. I think this me being a rebel was mostly due to the depression I was going through the beginning of the year. I was looking for a way out, and in a way, Chris was my way out. A lot of things I wish I could tell my mom, I know I couldn't ever say. Even through all this, I still want to tell her some things. She's had her own life this year and I've had mine... but I need to go back. I can't be isolated from my own family... I'd hate to say it, but it's true. I may not love them... but I do need them.

There's also the case with how I am lately. I think I am a lot more carefree than I have ever been in my life. That's a real good sign for me, and that means SO much to me in my life, because I have this constant stress in my brain. A lot of things are different. For one thing, after I recovered from my depression, I felt like I was a stranger to myself, that I didn't know who I was. I couldn't define myself and that was real scary for me. The ending of this year, I can't recall how many times I said I found myself again... while losing myself again. I've tried so many times, like you can't believe to find who I really am. For the most part I know who I am. I am real uptight. I am really bad at relaxing. It's been always too hard for me. I am very open minded. I'm open to your thoughts... everything. I see everything boths sides. I am all about the RIGHT morals. I know exactly who should be blamed in every situation (that I'm not in... if I'm in it, I'm to blame). I've always been the girl that everyone neglicts to think about due to the fact that I am too giving... well that's the way I was during my depression... after it was over, I was still giving... but it was returned, but even now, I know some people take me for granted, and that's okay. I'm sure I take a lot of things for granted myself.

I've always FIRSTLY blamed myself for anything that happened. If I can find any connection, big or small, to myself, I immediately think: my fault, or at last partly to blame. This has been a real huge bad habit of mine. Okay, I guess it's not a bad habit to most people. I'll bet people appreciate that, don't you think, Prue? ...but for the first time... things are so much different. I don't care about certain things the way I used to anymore. I've never stuck up to anything I believed in... I'm all about "as long as you are happy" but for once, that day with jason... I couldn't let it go. I didn't care if it got Jason pissed... cause it pissed me off! For the first time... I was selfish. And to be quite honest, I don't feel a bit guilty. Then there's the most recent thing with Nancy...

Okay, that was a big thing to me... this morning... I could almost feel the hatred. Okay, hatred is a strong word... well, I could feel the dislike I had towards her. I just kept thinking how could she do that? She just pretty much dissed him out. It's like how she hurt me... and I just think... This is my friend? I mean, I never thought she was horrible... but I really did think that at that moment. I still can't answer the question... "how could someone do that?" but you know what... you turn the tables around... You take it from her view. I admit that half of what she did was due to her lack of self control. I'm sorry to be a bitch about it, but it's true. She is in desperate need of some self control. I talked to her today though, I asked her what she wanted, and she told me. Somehow it chagned things, how I saw this... that I don't have that dislike against her anymore. I'm just real scared now. I am really scared, Pruedence. I don't want to be hurt like I was last time, and I hate to keep bringing it up, but I really don't know what I would do if she hurt me again. I wouldn't know what to do... I'm no good with pain... I'm not good with pain at all. God... I'm so scared... I'm trying to get pass the pain... you can't get to the good stuff if you keep fearing, but... I don't think I could take it if she hurt me again. I would be tempted never to talk to her again... Pruedence, I don't think I can stand it... Help her get some self control... please...

There's also the thing with Denysia. I am chewing myself up over it. I am such a fucker. I have no idea how to fix it... ever since I read what she said... I haven't read it again... I think I need to reread it... hold on. Ok this is what it said:

I'm so fucking pissed off at Anna and Nancy. Well, I have been since Nancy and Ricky hooked up. I was like, you know, fuck them, they're so fucking annoying. They do shit that is so stupid... gosh, I just don't know them anymore. I was once Anna's best friend, and she acts like I'm not anymore. What the fuck is up with that? It's like I'm invisible, but Nancy and Anna are fucking best friends, Which they are, but they leave me out of everything they do. Then there's the fact that they never call me, but they call each other. What's up with that? During the fucking school year, I never got one fucking call from them. It's like we don't talk anymore. It sucks, cause they don't even bother to want to talk to me. Oh and if either Anna or Nancy is reading this, go away, I don't want to talk to you. You guys are the bloody worst friends since, well forever. Don't call, cause I'll just hang up on you. Don't come over, cause whenever you say you'll come, you never do anyway. Leave me alone, and if you really want to talk, you'll find a way to argue with me.

*sigh* I haven't felt this lousy in a real long while. It's like constant guilt in the back of your head poking your head until you want to shoot the head off of the thing that is poking you. I don't know where to begin with this. She wrote this back on July 15. It's been more than 2 weeks now and I am still doddling at it. What hurts me so much is that it's true. I hardly called her at all in the beginning of the year due to the depression thing... and the second half? I guess that rebel thing. And even when all that was over... I am still a dumbfucker to her, because I messed up real bad. Things weren't supposed to be this way... I knew that Denysia and I wouldn't be close... she was going to Cerritos, no way I would be close... I wouldn't see her daily. I miss her a lot and there hasn't been a day I've gone through without thinking about her once ever since that entry and I have no idea what to do, because right now, I am such a whimp that I can't even pick up the phone and dial the number... that's never happened before, but I think it's happened this time because I know I messed up and I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know what to do... it's like I need someone to say "she'll forgive you"... but the thing is, I don't want her to forgive me, because I don't think I deserve a friend like her. I admit she's not perfect, but no one is. She can be a real bitch sometimes, but I think, I partly loved that part about her. *Smiles* she's real cool. She really is, Prudence... I really messed up, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to go after her apologizing, if I'm only going to hurt her again. I don't know what to do! I haven't talked to Nancy about this cause she hasn't really cared. What happened to the good old days? *Sigh*

"I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. I'll be there for you, like I've been there before. I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too."

*wHeRe is EvErYbOdY?*