So yesterday, Jesse came by around 7pm and we watched that movie, The Exorcism of Emily Rose. It was a pretty good movie I guess. I thought it would be really scary, but it wasn't, but I ended up cowering in the corner of the seat anyway. In the process, I ended up pretty close to Jesse. I didn't really think about this until after the movie was over though. I think Jesse and I were too loud though and I feel bad because I think the people next to us were annoyed.
Afterwards it was DDR... except it sucked because one of the arrows weren't working when you stepped down on it... so we played In the grove, which is kinda like DDR, except different songs. I don't like that game as much as DDR so I went back to that for a little while and then I gave up. I just wasn't in a DDR mood.
Then we went to Denny's out of the spur of the moment. I don't remember what the order was except I had a sandwich and he had this french toast thing. There was some definite flirting going on... or at least I think there was. When have I ever been that great at reading signs of flirting anyway? I'm not much of a flirter as it is... but I think it was there.
We drove back to my house afterward and he gave me a big hug. I snuck into my room quietly (it was about 12am and I was supposed to be back at 11pm). Paul had left me some messages on AIM about how I couldn't deny my feelings for Jesse cause I talk about him all the time and he says that I should just tell him how I feel. By this point, I pretty much agreed that perhaps I did like him. There was so much flirting, and I just couldn't believe that that was soley friendship anymore.
As I went to sleep, I thought about this some more and I thought about how nice it would be if he could be there next to me holding me and I realized perhaps I'm moving far farther than I had expected in such a short time. I also managed to have a dream about him too which I don't really feel like sharing, but all throughout the day, I kept thinking about it and I kept thinking about him. Although I do get scared my feelings may change, at least I finally know my feelings for sure, at least right now I do. I don't know what will happen when it changes... That's one of the things holding me back, but the main one now is I'm scared of getting rejected. I know, it's very unlike me to care, but I don't know. I can't stand the thought of being rejected by Jesse. It would depress me for awhile.
School starts tomorrow for Jesse. He says he's not gonna go online for a little while or definitely try. I'm sure he'll succeed because he's a lot stronger than me and he has more motivation than I do. I only hope that he doesn't forget about me.
I guess I'm just depressed because I'm scared things will change... but the truth is, I'm pretty sure things will change and there's not much I can do about it. I just hope it changes for the better or it's a change that isn't significant and I can adapt to it. I hope Jesse will still be there when I turn around. I still want to lean on him and I'm scared that he won't be there to lean on. I dunno. I'm scared about a lot of things... and I just know that I'm scared.
I've got a bunch of scars and cuts on my hands for some reason. I dunno where they all came from but there's a ton. I also burned my hands. I dunno if it's a sign of something and if it is, what. I just wish it would stop. It's creeping me out. I really just want to go back to the flirting that was going on yesterday. I remember the happiness spilling out from both of us and it was just so... nice. It's been a long time since I've felt happy because of a guy... or happy like this anyway. I hardly feel carefree anymore and I dunno... I just want that always.
Parting is hard as well... knowing that I won't be able to see him for a long while while saying goodbye. It really makes me sad. I feel nostalgic right after. I mean, it gets a bit easier as time goes by. It's just the hardest at the moment of departure.
I've rambled on long enough. Good day.