Thursday I went back home to try to buy a laptop and I ended up the most disappointed that I have ever been. My mom said we were gonna buy this compaq laptop at Best Buy, but as we were about to purchase it, the salesperson started telling us all these things that we should buy for the laptop, such as a 3 year warrenty, office xp, spyware, etc., which would cost about another 100 or 200 dollars. So she said that we should come back home and reconsider. So I ended up walking out of the store empty-handed, filled with tears and disappointment.
On Saturday after work, I finally got my laptop, but instead of the compaq that I had seen and liked, I ended up with a Toshiba one to save my parents a hundred dollars. I was afraid that carrying around this laptop would bring me bad memories of Thursday, but so far I'm enjoying the laptop too much to think about how I was crying on Thursday.
Another thing has happened. Jesse and I got together on Friday night/Saturday morning at around 1am or so. I somehow mustered the courage to ask him if he liked me and he responded with "isn't it obvious?" After much thought, I've decided to give it a try. I warned him that I was gonna be a bad girlfriend, but he said that it was okay and he could deal with it. He was more worried about me. I said I would give it a try which is why we're together now, but already I can feel the old effects of the way I used to be coming along.
For one thing, I'm not excited about the fact that I'm with him. I should be gloating to myself and smiling all the time if I were truly happy with being with him, but I'm not feeling that way. In fact, it doesn't feel any different. Maybe to me it's still the same? But I know it's not, because now every once in awhile, I think about him and I want to be mean to him. I don't quite know how to explain it, anyway, my point is, the effects are happening. I don't think this was a good idea at all... but the thing is, I haven't told any of this to him, but that's because he doesn't even know that I can get this way. I don't think things will get better, but I'm too scared to say anything to him. I don't know what to do already and it's only been day 3. I drive myself insane. I don't get it. Why can't I just accept it and be happy? I always end up driving myself insane with these changing thoughts. I'm just not meant to be with anyone, seriously.
On an even worse note, being that I am now a girlfriend to someone else, I've still been thinking about Jeff. In fact, ever since Eric, Jeff's always been in the back of my head. I guess, in the back of my head, I still believe he's the one. I still believe that if I were with him, I'd know that I could make it work. I'm not like in love with him or anything. I mean, sure there's still some feelings there from before and I love him as a person, but it's not being in love, but whenever I do think about him, I always believe that if we tried, we'd be it. We'd be great. I mean, I don't wait for him or anything and I don't expect him to do that either. He's kind of seeing someone, I believe and that doesn't bother me, but it doesn't change what I believe... and it's been more than 4 months, surely that's not normal?
I'm just a fucked up person. I know it too, I just don't know how to fix myself. I should have already break up with Jesse. I shouldn't have started this, now I dunno how to finish it. I don't feel confident enough to be his girlfriend. I've already started thinking about fucked up things. I'm not exactly avoiding him, per say, but I'd prefer not to talk to him and I like it better when he doesn't know what's going on with my life. I'm really reminding myself of what Eric described when he was with Allie. I hate it. I hate being this way. I get confused when I think about Jesse, more than before, if that's even possible, but I tell you, it definitely seems that way.