I've been depressed this whole week and about two nights ago, I caught a cold. This is the second one in about 2 months and the third time this year. I've never been this weak before. I hardly ever get colds. If my life was a novel, this is the part where the English teacher would go, "why do you think Anna is having so many colds now?" But since my life is not a novel, I just don't know what's going on. I really don't want to live anymore. Life is pathetically boring. The only thing that's been keeping me going in college this whole time was people in the these other halls, Harrowdale and Elrond (yes, they are LotR themes). I used to go over there and play melee a lot, now I don't go so much and I find myself losing interest in anything. The only thing remotely interesting me is Gunbound... what an unexpected turn.

I guess when I entered college, I had never opened up myself up to fully experience what I was about to. I was still so caught up in high school and wanting to stay there. I wanted to be with my friends and I didn't want to leave high school. I didn't want to part with my friends... with what I was so comfortable with. Perhaps if most of my friends weren't still together in high school I'd have a much easier time dealing with it, but I keep thinking... and knowing what a great time they are having together... without me... and I know it's not that they're having a great time without me, it's just that it so happens that I'm not there... cause I can't. I wish I wasn't so clingy. I wished that I was still in high school. All my life, I've always felt like I never quite belong and then I found the place I belonged to, and to have to leave that... Now it feels as if, maybe I made a mistake, thinking that I belonged there. Maybe I never belonged there at all. After all, this place is just fine without me. Which makes me wonder if I don't belong anywhere at all... and I'm scared of that. I want to belong somewhere. That is one of my biggest fear... to not belong anywhere...