I don't quite know where to start off with this entry. I haven't been feeling very good emotionally the whole day. I feel a little out of it with my friends, and I'm beginning to wonder if they even are my friends really. I mean, I feel like they leave me out. I'm sure they don't mean to, but in that process, I've felt a little like I shouldn't bother them. I don't want to be a needy person, problem is I need them... or I feel like I do. Then I realized that I feel really lonely right now and I don't even mean this in the not having a boyfriend sense, I mean it in the sense that I feel that I don't even have a friend. It's hard for me to even type in here. I dunno why. I can't seem to ever get any of my feelings out anymore. I just keep them all inside and forget that I feel this way. I don't want to have friends anymore, but it'll never happen since I'm always seeking comfort.

Chris IMed me yesterday and for a few minutes... well, more than a few minutes, perhaps a few hours, I thought maybe he had changed, but maybe he's the same. Perhaps people don't ever really change. Well, he doesn't that's for sure. He's still cheating on Alyssa at times. He mostly parties and stuff... but I dunno, for a split second, I felt like he had changed, or maybe that was my foolish hope that said he had changed. Maybe he will IM me again, maybe not, but I guess I have to constantly remind myself that he'll never be different each time we do talk.

I talked to Matt (I don't know if I mentioned him before, he's this guy I met at Irvine who likes to play smash) today and he seems so happy. He must feel at place among his friends or something. Maybe it's cause it's Christmas, maybe it's because we're on break. I don't know, but I know he's really happy. That makes me envious. He has a home. I want to find that home. I want to be happy.