It's been more than a year after the break up and I haven't really thought about him so much. Mostly, I think about him and the fact that I miss him... but now, I just went back through all those entries and scanned briefly what I said about him all those months and the break up and everything... and I wonder now if he knew our story better than I did. I was just a blind child who thought she saw God. I would've done anything to be with him and stayed with him. To give up something I thought was extraordinary was too much. Blindly, I didn't realize just how much crap there was in our relationship and I think he saw that. I think he realized that we would never be happy together. Maybe I'm just making all this up because for the first time, I see it all so clearly. I can't say I know for sure.
I want so much to talk to him. I opened the message box twice, but closed it both times after thinking better of it. I'm not really friends with any of my exes anymore. Though I can't say that all were parted on bad terms, it's just that I'm not close with any of them. I really wish I could talk to him one more time so I could ask him now, why he broke up with me, because the answer must be clear to him now! But more likely, he hasn't thought about me at all and he would give me an even worse answer than before because he himself has forgotten why he really broke up with me. I'm still no closer to finding out the answer. Perhaps if it wasn't so abrupt... and if he broke up with me in a different way... without the kindness, the wanting, the love I saw in his eyes, I would've been able to understand and/or accept his answer.
But here it is, more than a year later, and you still cross my mind now and then. It's not to say that I can't get you off my mind, but it would be nice to know what was going on in that head of yours and it would be nice for me to be able to say that I know you, or even at one point, knew you, but I don't. I'm not closer to finding out the truth now and I won't be any closer years from now. And it's a shame... to fall in love with a stranger. We were just a teenage love, you and I. A little late in the game at age 17, but it doesn't matter, we were just teenage love. We fought all the time and argued, then we were all over each when we said we loved each other. We were pretty fucked up I think and in the end, Eric, we were better off breaking up, I see that now.
I just wish that our friendship didn't have to suffer such a blow so that it didn't exist anymore. Can't you see how much I miss you? But that may just be that blind girl's longing so don't listen to me.