I looked at my archive page and I realized that I don't even write one entry per month anymore, and that's sad compared to how I used to write daily. I guess part of the fact that I stopped is because I feel like nobody reads this anymore and I know I've said that I write for myself, and I guess that's only partly true. It's true that I did begin this diary only for Nancy and I (and later Chris), it turns out that I just don't have motiviation to write in something that I feel like nobody reads.

Another reason I don't write anymore is because I feel like nothing really changes anymore. I really feel like everyday is just about the same. Sad thing is, when I read what I have written recently, they don't capture what's been going on in my life at all.

I can't remember what I have mentionted and what I have not. There's so much to tell that I don't even know what there is to tell and what there isn't.

I want to say that I am happier, and I suppose for the moment that I am happier, but almost every night, I feel depressed again and for no reason. I've stopped taking the anti depressants that was prescribed to me. I dunno if they were helping, but I do believe they did help to a degree. I don't feel like I'll ever feel completely happy again and frankly I don't really care anymore. It's just something I've accepted.

On a completely different topic, Denysia and Jimmy broke up. I have no idea how long they were together, but for quite awihle, I'd say around 6 months. I only found out recently and I read a few of the entries where she mentions him and it makes me just sad for her when I read what she wrote about him. Apparantly he was being quite the asshole and was not treating her that well either. Anyway, she's heartbroken and depressed and I wish I could reach out to her because, I've been through heartaches like that, but I dunno what I could possibly say to make her feel better.

Odd thing is, I haven't liked Denysia very much ever since I realized what she was really like. She tries too hard to fit in and be cool, and I wish she'd realized that I would like her a lot better if she was just herself than someone trying to be cool. I believe that just makes you less cool, but whatever. She's always been like this and I don't think she's going to change anymore. I guess that's why I stay away from her, because most of the time I feel like she's fake and I really can't stand fake people. Oddly enough, I read something of hers today that says that she's tired of fake people and doing things to make other people happy. It's probably true, what she said, but I really doubt that she will do anything about it to fix it. I wish she could see that she's beautiful the way she is, but I believe that her fucking idiot of a boyfriend has convinced her that she needs to lose weight and that she's ugly, which isn't true because she's skinner than me and I've always thought her prettier than I am. I doubt that I could ever possibly convince her for that, and for that reason I hate people like Jimmy that feeds her lies and are fucking superficial like that. It gets me so angry.

I know that she has such low self esteem because her father has always brought her down growing up and that's so fucked up. She has a really great need to seek approval from people around her and I wish that she wouldn't because she's just fine the way she is. She always feels like she has something to prove, but she's so wrong. I wish that she would realize that I would much rather be friends with her than be friends with a version of her of the people trying to make her into something she's not.

I'm so protective of her, which is odd because I haven't really thought about her or anything of the sort in who knows how long. I'm sorry that she's depressed and I can only hope she makes a fast recovery, but there's nothing that can fix a broken heart except time.

My brother and I have been doing better. I say that as if we have been having trouble, but there really hasn't been much. I've recently realized that I have been more or less a horrible sister. I mean, I guess it wouldn't be a good deal if both of us couldn't stand each other but my brother contrary, really cares about me and really loves me and I believe that I've pretty much been too apathetic all my life to really care about how he's felt about me. I guess in a sense, I've had a rude awakening. I've finally realized that I've turned exactly into my dad as he was to me, and I hated that. Perhaps there's nothing wrong with being apathetic, and I still don't feel that there is. I don't think apathy is a bad thing, but I hated the fact that my dad always used to break his promises to me and I don't ever feel like he cared about me at all. I don't know why he even wants to be a father. Perhaps I have to love him as a father, but I hate him as a person. And the fact that I was becoming so much like him in so many ways, well, that really bothered me and I was not going to turn out like him where it mattered.

I try to make some time to play with my brother now because I now realize that it means a lot more to him than I could possibly imagine. I guess my dad was the same, it meant so much to me but he never realized it. So I guess if this means so much to my brother, I'll try to do it for him especially since it doesn't cost much on my behalf. I still can't see my brother as a friend and I believe that's because for the most part I can't stand the type of person he is. He has a good heart though, much better than mine, and I am scared that that will change when he grows up. I am scared that he will become like me.

I have realized a second ago, that I have finally gotten over Eric. I dunno when it happened exactly, but I just now realized that it has happened. I have finally realized that it doesn't really matter anymore if I find out what happened or not. I don't really care about him anymore and all he is in my head is just a fading memory. It's almost as if he's dead. I still don't know what happened between us, and most days I can't even remember what went on between us, in a few months, I'm pretty sure that I'll forget why we used to fight and I'll forget why we had a hard time getting together and all that. I can't say that I'll ever figure anything out between us but I feel that I really don't need a reason anymore.

Work has been good. I'm really surprised about this because for awhile I couldn't stand it and I really, really didn't want to go even though it was only two days out of a week. Now, I've finally started to enjoy work. I think part of the reason is that I work most of the time in the morning so that I don't have to in the afternoon. I work from 8am till about 1pm straight. Then I take a 20 minute-ish break and then I go back to work. I have lunch sometime around 3 or 3:30 for an hour, I have one last 15 minute break and I go home at 5pm. So more than half of the work is done before I even have my first break.

So many other things are on my mind, I feel like I'm going to explode.

You know, for most of my life, I have really, always just felt like covering up behind the covers and sleeping forever. I hate having to wake up and having to do or take care of things. I hate having to do anything. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm really really tired... of everything. If I could just sleep and hide behind the covers all day for the rest of my life, then that'd be great, thanks.