So Rick messages me last night after my last entry and said Paul had asked him if he ever smoked pot before and he said yes, a few times. So that's basically why Paul wants to smoke pot, because he knows that Rick has done it before so he will feel comfortable doing it in front of him I guess. Apparantly Paul has never done pot before so I can start to kind of understand why he wants to do it so badly. Rick says that he finds this annoying because Rick doesn't like smoking pot and doesn't really do it. Anyway, I guess I feel better about it knowing this new information - that Paul wants to try it for the first time and Rick doesn't like smoking pot as it is.

I guess it started about last night and has been going on all day, but I can't seem to stop thinking about Gil. I can't seem to help but want to be with him again... like I want to get back with him, but I should know better. Don't I? Do I? I'm not sure I do. I'm kinda waiting for the moment to pass because I feel like this is probably what it is - just a moment. I get so confused because I'm this way as much as I am the other. Meaning, I think about wanting to be with him as much as I don't think about him at all on "bad days".

I want to say I've overcome this shit but I haven't. I'm still as indecisive and unsure as ever about everything. On my good days, I swear I feel like I'm really falling for him, but on my bad days, I'm so annoyed by him that I don't even want to speak to him, and it's not like he even did anything to provoke the bad days. It's like it's random or something. I can't ever seem to control it. In the end, I fear I'll probably end up breaking his heart, again.

I went shopping today. I found this really cute dress and I can't remember the last time that I found a dress I like, much less fit me. I sound so girly now so I'm going to stop. You know, most of the time I feel really inadequit because I feel like I don't act anything like a girl and I'm really envious of girls that know how to dress and put on make up as if it's common sense. I don't know how to match clothes at all. For most of my life, I've always been jeans and t-shirt. More and more so, my mom finds this inappropriate and I guess I'm trying harder to act like a girl because I feel so inadequit not being able to. Being a girl takes so much work. That's just ridiculous, I know.