I've come to the realization that my heart is no longer the big soft mush that it was before. I find lately that I have less and less hope for mankind and if anything, I feel as if I've given up on everything altogether. Even though I have Gil right now and he constantly promises that he'll never leave me and that he'll always be here for me, I find myself not really caring. If Gil did eventually decide to leave me, I don't really think that I would be all that devastated. I think that I would be fine, more or less. It's not really that I don't trust Gil, because I do, but I guess I just don't really care in general what happens to me anymore.

I guess put simply, I'm not a dreamer anymore and I really wish that I could be. I couldn't imagine this happening to me who knows how long ago. People keep telling me to live in the moment and take chances. I've just been finding that I don't really care and I can see too much of the future. I'm too scared to take chances... I don't want to fall into another hole. I really believe that I've gone to a no returning point.

I've given up, it's true, but I secretly hope that someone will come along and change all this, but I don't have enough hope to live my life along this hope because otherwise I would be giving Gil a chance, because he's the first person in a long time that I've felt he's worth taking the risk, if only the dreamer in me could wake up and agree to that... but my heart is too hard now and I don't know if it could ever be melted so that it's just a mess of mush, and I don't know that I could ever be a complete mess of a girl in love again.