I don't know if I love Gil. To say that would mean that I don't love him, but I want to believe that I do. That would make everything right. It would make everything perfect... but more and more so I'm less certain of my feelings, and more and more so, I know I'm hurting him because he feels that he's sure I love him and he thinks that I'm going to choose him because I love him.

I asked him what if I don't. He says, "Anna, don't even worry about that." How can I not worry about it? He'd be devastated and I'm not sure that I could help him pick up the pieces this time. At least before he had hope, now he won't have any. More and more, I see that the only reason he was able to reasonably recover so fast was because there was hope.

He believes I love him and that when I see him, then I'll know in my gut that I want to be with him. I told him that he's setting himself up. And he responded, "I know." That just gets me more scared. He's hopelessly in love with me... and he knows it too, because I asked him how many people he's been in love with and he fumbled with the thought, but he's response was that he's never been so madly in love with anyone as he has been with me.

I just couldn't live through hearing him and his things-never-go-the-way-I-want-it-to speech. It would just tear me apart to hear him in pain. I can still recall some things he said when I broke things off with him last time and I can hardly bear it now, how would I be okay with it if we really were broken up for good, when it's worse? He's gonna need me for strength, but since I don't have any, what then?