In a text message, I asked Gil to ask me to be his girlfriend and he messaged me and said, "Anna Fu, will you be my girlfriend?" and I responded "Yes Gil, I will." So yesterday, Gil and I officially became a couple. I guess it might seem weird or even out of the blue because I had been fighting with myself for some time wondering if Gil was what I really wanted, and the fact that I had made a decision, that must be pretty crazy. The truth is I've always had a problem in the past with guys who I wasn't physically attracted to. I can't really explain it but I guess I'll tell you what happens. We get together for a week or two and after awhile I find myself liking this person less and less until I don't want to be their girlfriend at all anymore. I've been afraid that this would happen to Gil because this has kind of happened to my relationships in which I wasn't attracted to the person, though I did like their personality. I guess this is shallow of me, but if I could fix it I would.

The reason I decided to take this chance is not because I find Gil physically attractive so there wouldn't be a problem, but rather I'm trying to fix it because Gil is such a great guy and I'm not sure that I could live with myself knowing how perfect we are together that I didn't at least give him a fucking chance because he deserves at least that much if not more. And I really want to try my darn hardest to get over this physical attraction thing because I've realized that if someone's personality is great than their physical attraction seems to better as well.

Also, I came across this entry I wrote two years ago, about not looking into the future and just letting go and it really got to me because I wrote this reminder to myself so that I wouldn't be like the way I am now and I'm exactly like that. Who knew that down the road I would turn out to be even worse than before, when I wrote that? I have almost no hope in anything today and I don't know... I guess what I mean is that Gil could really, truly be the guy that sweeps me off my feet. I had lowered my standards because I started to believe it was too much to ask for and it didn't really happen. After being with Eric, I didn't know love could be so much better than what I had with him. And I deserved better than Eric. So I don't understand why I wouldn't jump to take this chance now, because the turth is I love Gil, and no matter how much I deny it or try to hide it from him, even he knows as much as I do that I'm already madly in love with him.