My gold membership ends very soon and I have to say that this year by far, I have written the fewest entries and did not really fully take advantage of this gold membership as well as I should have or could have. I guess the only thing I really did use was those banners but I must admit I still have a ton of banners left to submit.

I had a dream about Eric last night. One of the many things I dreamt about. Dami was there as well, which really surprised me because Dami and Eric weren't really good friends or anything. I was on my way to see Gil and I can't remember if I was walking up or down the staircase but I was going one way. I think it was down. I don't think I would ever take staircases though in real life, not while there's elevators around.

I forgot what was said really but Eric calls out to me, asks me where I'm going and so forth. Everything seems normal as if nothing had ever happened. I get mad at him. I wonder what he wants and why now. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. I don't even feel that he's even worth having a friend as. I'm angry at him. "Why are you here, what do you want?" He just acts as if nothing bad ever happened. "Where you going, Anna?" I just keep walking and yell at him to go away. He says his feelings are hurt and then I kind of hesitate... and I say something like maybe one day you and I could be friends... and then he turns around and has a goofy smile plastered on his face and says okay while I walk away in search of Gil.

Am I asking myself if I would take Eric back? Because that's not even worth a question. The answer to that is simple, I wouldn't give up Gil for anyone much less Eric. I don't even know why he came across in my dreams, I haven't really thought about him nor have I in any sense missed him in the past some months. I don't know what that's all about...

I feel a little like I believe in love again to be honest. I haven't felt this way in a while. Even while I was with Eric, it was different. I was in love with him, I'll admit that, but it was a cautious one that I never really let myself fall deeply into... not like the first time around. This time, I feel like I'm falling into something secure... something I can rely on... and I do feel a little scared but mostly I feel loved by him and I love loving him. And really, this time, I really want this to last forever and that doesn't scare me one bit... and the more I love him, the more I am finding that I am attracted to him physically too.

I love you, Gil. I want to be with you forever. I want our house in Connecticut. I want our dog, our two pet chinchillas, Cabbage and Trico. I want our balcony. I want to spend the rest of my life loving him and him loving me back. I want to stare into his eyes when I wake up and have him hold me at night. I want to be his forever.