I haven't written in a few days. Life has been mostly filled with ups and downs. Sometimes I'm still a bit unsure about Gil but I guess I just try not to think about that. I feel a little bit like I'm messing around with him. I should be honest that I have doubts in my head, but I do eventually get over them and I get the feeling that he knows I go through hours of doubt. He's still ever just the same. He's just all kinds of wonderful. He seems to have our whole future planned... and I can't say that I don't like it because I do. I know I'm only 19 and maybe I'm too young to be thinking about marriage and where I'm going to be living for the rest of my life, but it seems like Gil is so sure and it makes me sure too.

Nothing really interesting ever happens anymore... and I find the reason for that is because I don't really go out or hang out with people anymore. I mostly work, or stay at home. I hang out with my brother a little or just stay at home and do nothing. It seems like I'm constantly talking to Gil no matter what I'm doing though. At work, we email or text.

I think in a way, I miss a lot of the way things used to be. Not that things with Gil aren't great, but in a way, it doesn't feel like anything is new anymore. I remember having my first best friend and then... losing that. It seems like everything I've been experiencing lately are things that I've already gone through. I'm not saying I would like to experience something new because I'm not sure how well I would handle that, but it makes everything so degrading and worth less.

I've been having a lot of dreams about Eric lately. Mostly that somehow I come across him and then we start talking to each other and somehow we're friends or something. I mean, I had one again last night and he asked me if it was okay that he was here. I nodded yes. I guess it reminds me of the dreams I used to have of Nancy for awhile where I constantly dreamed about being friends with her again. I guess this is the same thing. Eric told me that I should talk to Nancy and be friends again. I know though nobody's here to tell me to talk to Eric but the truth is that I don't really care. I didn't feel any happier after I talked to Nancy... maybe I did at first but things were different and I didn't really care for her like I did before. So even if Eric and I became friends again, I don't think it'd be the same. Anyway, I don't really care. I just wonder if I'm the same person as I was when I was with Eric. I don't think I am anymore... but to think that I've changed in a year... I don't want to change anymore.

I seem to be extra sensitive about hearing sad songs lately. They put me in a depressive mood for no reason... I don't know what I'm sad about other than the fact that I'm hearing a sad song. It's not like it triggers anything sad in my life. My whole mood just seems to fall. I guess I just get sad that everything's changed. And I realize now that things are always gonna change and they're gonna keep changing and I know the worst part about this is that I'm never gonna be in the moment I'm in. Every day I'm gonna miss the day before, and time is just gonna keep passing me on and on. Before you know it, I'm old and gray and missing the former decade of my life, even though during then I was missing the decade before that. I'm never gonna enjoy the moment I'm in... I realize that now. The truth is, I don't think I'll ever be happy again. I could be happy but not in the happy-go-lucky-girl way that I'm talking about. All my happy's are burdened with something else. Even with Gil, it doesn't change anything.

I think the truth is, for the most part, I feel like my life is over.