My main concern at this point is to get over the hurting. To be quite honest, there is only one person I trust with everything and that is myself (unless of course I happen to be drunk). That's right, I don't even trust Nancy completely. That night, the day of the pool incident, I told myself that I wasn't going to cry no matter how bad it was, no matter how much it hurt, because crying doesn't help (well depends on the situtation, but you know...). So then I told myself, I was going to be reasonable. I was going to think about it rationally. And that I wasn't going to be mad, but mostly, I wanted myself to think that I wasn't hurt. But the thing is, when you're hurt, you can't avoid it. You can say "I'm not hurt" and you'd be lying your ass off, and it doesn't matter to other people, you can lie to them, but to yourself, you know better. To yourself, you know you're hurt. And I guess that's what it was. I was hurt and I didn't want to admit it. So I avoided it. For the while I didn't want to think about it. I still don't want to think about it. I must admit, I am so lucky as to the fact that I wasn't there seeing it, cause I'd know I'd have flashbacks of it now and then. And I really don't need that. For the first time, I really want to hurt someone else, real bad. That's not a feeling I'm used to. In fact, I am so ashamed that I feel that way, because I'm all about karma, I don't punish other people, I let the balance punish itself out, you know? I'm not sure if that's worked so far, but sometimes I feel like one of those faithful Christian people, those people that say "well, God may not have done anything seriously to help me, but if I keep at it, I know he will come through," that stuff, you know? I feel kinda like one of those people, but about karma. I mean, here I am, I've just about never had anything that goes my way (anything that really matters anyway) and I've still been hurt... and I've still felt guilt before. And I'm stressed. And I'm just about ready to explode.
I told myself I wasn't going to cry that night and I didn't, but I cried last night. It was just too much. I couldn't take it anymore. It was like there was pain still there that I've just kept there and never let out. And I've finally let it out. Right now, I'm not just scared of getting hurt, but I'm actually real scared for myself... (not in the way you're thinking)... See, I'm scared because I might just realize what a lousy friend Nancy is. And I know that's real lousy of me to say, but right now that's how I feel. Chris keeps saying it was his fault and not Nancy's. The truth is, I haven't been able to blame it on Chris because I like him too much and partly, I refuse to believe the fact that Chris would do something so horrible to me. So in a way, I trusted Chris so much before, now I don't think I could ever trust Chris the way I did before. You can just see it, can't you? The trust I had for Chris was so strong that I couldn't even believe that he would ever do something bad to me. It was like, I had the perfect fairytale ending for us or something, but that's not the case anymore. It's like he punched me right in the face and laughed at me. And he laughs even more. And even right now, I still can't believe that someone who I care so much for, who I now love so deeply for, would ever do something so horrible, such bullshit to me, but mostly, I have blame it on Nancy more. And here's why. She's my closest friend. She knows everything. She does. In a way, you could say that I gave up Denysia for Nancy... I say that because that's what I did unconsciously. Here's the truth. At the end of the 8th grade, I honestly could not stand Denysia anymore. Denysia is probably the most... well, unique person I've ever met. She's crazy in the weirdest places, but I think it's funny though, because even as she is bitching about me right now, hating me... if other people were to ask me what I was thinking, I would say, "you're lucky if you're one of Denysia's friend," because despite that Denysia drove me crazy, she was in fact a great friend. I can honestly say that she KNEW how to be a friend. She never asked for anything from you (except the little things, though that's what drove me crazy), but I think I drove her crazy too. I knew that she was real jealous of me in a lot of ways. And I know she lied about a lot of things because of that. I'm real sorry that I didn't let her win in a lot of things. To be quite honest, I have to agree with Denysia that I was a real bitch to her, that I wasn't the best friend to her that she was to me. To be honest, I'm real happy that she hates me right now. I hope to God, that she'll always hate me, because I want her to learn the lesson that I can't seem to learn: that there are people out there that doens't know how to be good friends real well and when you come across someone like that, dump them.
I think right now that I'm real scared for Nancy, because if one day I decided to wake up and realize that she is such a lousy friend to me, where would she be? What would she think? What would she do? The reason that I mostly blamed Nancy for what happened was that she was the closer friend to me. She's a closer friend then Chris is to me. She should know what to do and what not to do. To be real honest right now, I really wanna punch Nancy in the face. I really do. And I really wanna shout in her face. She should know better. The worst part isn't the fact that she did that to me. It's because of the fact that she continues to do it. That's what hurts the most to me. She hasn't hurt me, but right now she's hurting him and I'm not allowed to tell you who "him" is so if you want to know, IM me. Well, Nancy hasn't hurt him just yet, but he will. The thing I'm trying to get at is, that she keeps letting it happen. And I'm so sick of that shit she pulls. Yea, she's feeling bad about it, but she doesn't do anything about it, and that really fuckinG pisses me off. It's like "oh yeah, I did it... oops... I didn't mean to... please forgive me!" It actually really reminds me of that Britney Spears song, "Oops! I did it again". And even in that song, I get the feeling from Britney that she doesn't really give a shit that she's hurt that guy. It's like, "oh well". And right now I am totally hating that. It's not just an "oh well," and I'm starting to think that maybe I should be more careful. To be honest, I'm kind of scared to trust anyone ever again. I mean, to be sorry is one thing, to say that it won't happen again is another. And I would rahter you say that you would never let it happen again than you're sorry. I mean, if you can tell me that it'll never happen again, I wouldn't care so much that you're not sorry (if that was the case). It's still the same though, and nothing's changed, because in the end, Nancy still can't control herself. And she'll wind up keep on hurting people and right now you have no idea what it's like... because I keep thinking "please punish her" and I am mad at myself for thinking this, but I can't help it. I want someone to punch her in the face just like Chris did to me. And to wish that upon someone is big, because I've never wanted anyone to exprience what I did. And to wish that openly to my closest friend... well you can about imagine how mad I am at her.
I've wondered for a long time... "why me?" and I still wonder it, I wanna know why am I not one of those people that get through life so easily. Those people that just smile and laugh their heads off each day and manage to get those good grades and succeed in life so easily, and then there's other people like me... people like me who try so hard, but still can't seem to get anything right. I've tried so hard to make it work... I really have. I don't know what I've done wrong? Have I been too trusting? Have I let go too easily? Have I led people to believe that I'm easy to walk over? (well, I guess I am...) Have I made myself so invisible that not even my cloest friend wouldn't even think the possiblilty that something she does might hurt me? Yeah, she said she has thought about it, but apparently, not enough. I would hate for anyone to feel the way I do right now, because all I feel right now is despair. I never knew what that meant, and I still don't, but I can feel it. I don't know what to do. I've played by the rules, but it seems that if you play by the rules, you lose automatically. It's like you're forcing me to become evil, treat you like shit that you've done to me, and you know what gets to you even more? The fact that you know that I'm just rambling on here, knowing that in the end, I would still be me - letting you walk over me again. And what's even more sad is that, I realize this, yet I don't do anything about it.
You have no idea... I want so badly to forgive you, but I can't. You don't do anything that redeems yourself from it. You may be sorry, but you're not doing anything about it. See Prudence, Nancy is still out there hurting people, and Chris, nonetheless is still flirting around, and he's the one that told me that you're not allowed to flirt with anyone else if you're with someone (not that I'm with him... but I think you know what I mean) but here's the thing. he's being a hypocrit and this really gets to me. See, Dana is with Franky and they pretty much are both always flirting around with other people anyway (mainly Dana flirst though)... and Chris told me that that's Franky's fault... I mean... WHATEVER!!! That gets me so pissed off. Don't defend someone that's wrong, okay?!? I can't stand that shit either. Well at least Nancy can see the error of her ways, she's just not doing anything about it... Chris... Chris can't even see anything. God, he's so blind in some ways...
Oh yeah... one last thing that really hurt me... and I really wanna scream this in her face... but Nancy said that she wasn't planning on telling me about what happened in the pool. OMG WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP STUPID SHITTY UP FUCKING IDIOTIC FUCKING PIECE OF CRAP OF FUCKIN SHIT IS THAT? (that sounded real corny, but I just really wanted to say fuck as many times as I can) She wasn't planning on telling me? Okay, I can see it from her view and I know she's thinking, "but... if I told you..." SAVE IT FOR SOMEONE THAT CARES! I can't believe she wasn't planning on telling me. So maybe she doesn't know me that well after all. She wasn't planning on telling me... what kind of shit is that? God... SHE IS SUCH A FUCKER (and I think that's the first time I called someone else a fucker besides myself... so you can see the honor that I've given her... (sarcasm)). I don't know where to go from here. I honestly wished that someone could help me right now. I really do. I wish so, so, so, so much that someone could just hold me and say "it's going to be alright" even if we both know that it's not going to be alright, because it's not about whether it's going to be alright or not, it's that someone is out there listening to me, knowing that I feel like I can't go on, yet, they can find the decency to try to help me, because they know I'm in trouble... and really, when I think about it, that's all I need. To know that someone's there, but the downright cold truth is, no one is there. And for the first ever, I don't think I've ever felt more alone. And right now, all I really want to do is just stare at the wall, think about what a bitch life's been and how I wish I had somebody while letting the tears run down my face, where I can eventually taste the saltiness of it, to know that I've been deceived yet again, and how I know I will be again. I'm trying to trust you again, I really am, but the thing is, you're not trying. And if I'm the only one trying... then nothing's going to change and that's what hurts most, that you're not trying... that I'm the only one that cares because if you had really tried, I would've trusted you by now... but I don't. If you really tried, you would've redeemed yourself by now. If you really tried, I would've noticed you trying. And most of all, if you tried, you would've told me, "I'm trying..." and you would actually have some proof... but for now... I can't trust anybody but myself. I'm really tired of trying... it gets me nowhere. I'm really tired... and I want to let it go so badly that you can't believe it... but I can't because as much as I want to, I can't unless you make up for it. And that's the honest truth, you have to make up for it. I think that's the only way I can forgive you. I thought I've already forgiven you... but I can't... I just can't. I need you to see that this is tearing me apart and I need you to see how bad it's been for me... I need you to do something... cause at this point, I've done all I can... it's up to you now.
hOw dOes iT feeL? *sUcK*