At AX this year, I've mostly hung out with Paul. I hung out with him the last 2 days and I hardly even saw anyone else. If you recall, last year I hung out with Jesse. I think to a degree Paul still likes me, although I don't think I would give it another shot even if I wasn't with Gil because I haven't really thought of Paul in that way.
It's usually pretty relaxing with Paul. I don't find it awkward as I would with some of my other friends. I think I worry too much about awkward moments when I think about hanging out with a certain person. I sometimes worry with Charita, but I find that it's usually okay with her. Paul too I suppose.
I dunno why but I really like hanging out with Paul when it's one on one. Actually a lot of times I prefer one on one time. We went to eat at ihop and that was nice. It kind of reminded me of AX because we ate at ihop then as well.
We ended up at Santa Monica pier somehow and it was really nice though pretty scary. The ocean is so dark at night, it made me think about the possibility of falling into the ocean in the middle of nowhere and everywhere that surrounded me was complete darkness. When I stared out into the darkness, it seemed so dark and scary... and I can't say I liked it at all. Even though it was about 2:30am, there was still quite a few people. The breeze was nice and to be honest, it would've been nice to sit there and perhaps watch the sun come up or something. Actually, it would've been nice to stand there forever and never have the sun comes up. That was really, a nice moment to stay in.
On the drive home, I felt tired... or sleepy... in any case, I felt nostalgic. I haven't felt that way in awhile... but I find that perhaps I spend too much time online and not really hang out with any of my real friends, or I mean real life friends. The fact that I met Gil online is bothersome to me. I have never really looked down on other people that have gone through it... In fact, Stacy and Nate who met online stayed together for 3 years and I really thought that they were going to do it. After all, they got engaged and such. I really believed in them.
But I find it bothersome that I'm doing the online thing as well. I wonder if I'm so terrible at finding a boyfriend in the real world. It's not as if I haven't gotten one before, but I guess I'm just not really good at it. I know it's mostly cause I've been spending a lot of time online this year... I mean it's really a drastic change compared to how much I was online last year, which really wasn't all that much. I suppose that's how the whole Gil thing happened. You know, I sometimes wish I had never met him. I wish I had never met a lot of people actually. I'm talking about the ones that make you think too much about stuff. I find that Gil is one of them at times. I'm not saying it's his fault, it's mine for my lack of control on my thoughts. I've just never really been good at dating to be honest. I still think I'd possibly make the worst girlfriend ever, after trying not to be one I mean.
I just wished I didn't spend so much time online, I think that's what causes me to get so caught up in online things, like my relationship now. He believes we'll be together forever. I don't know how I feel. I can't bring myself to believe in anything anymore. It's very much my own fault as well as other people's I suppose. I just don't really care about my future and that's how I feel most of the time... and in any case, I have no idea where I'm going with my life anyway. I guess with Gil, I feel like there's a direction and I like that... but sometimes I just don't know how I really feel about him. I've already lost my feelings for him a few times... more than a few. I don't know what I really want I guess. I tell him I love him all the time but the truth is I don't really know how I feel. Sometimes, I don't really think I love him. I dunno if I could ever love again in a way...
You know what I realized. People don't just leave me... I think that perhaps I leave people a lot as well. I can't explain it but it seems as if after awhile I just don't want to see or talk to that person anymore. I guess I've gotten too much so used to people leaving me. I don't really believe in keeping a long lasting friendship anymore. I live by the basis that people may leave me at any moment and to be honest this doesn't really bother me. I don't know. I can't quite explain it.
I say I'm happy now but I don't know how true that is. I'm happier but I don't know that I could ever be truly happy again. I can't see myself as free loving anymore. I can't seem to be excited about anything. I just know that I'm a bit sick of everything.
Sigh. I guess I'm just not as good as I used to be with expressing my feelings.