I've really started to hang out with Paul again. I mean not just Santa Monica Pier but other places too... although, since we're on the subject of that, I have to mention that it was scary for me to walk around there because it looked really dark beyond the ocean. I guess I haven't said this aloud, but for awhile now I guess, I've been scared of dark things and being alone by myself in a dark area. I keep thinking about things from The Ring, The Grudge and more recently when I saw Pulse with Paul and his friends.

I sometimes feel like they're there somewhere watching over me when I'm in a dark area by myself. I frequently find myself turning around and making sure nobody is there. I dunno why I'm scared of ... ghosts? I guess it's the closest word I can think of. I don't even really believe in ghosts. I'm just very much scared of imaginary beings that look gruesomely ugly and will randomly show up behind me to haunt me.

Anyway, it was nice even though it was scary. We just kind of walked around... There was a rollercoaster on the pier, but since it was about 2am, we couldn't go on it. So he asked me to go there next Friday, I said okay.

Yesterday, I went to Raging Waters with him. My brother was also with us. The three of us had fun together. I can't really remember the last time that I felt so good. I really did have a lot of fun yesterday. We went on just about all the rides. I think even my brother had fun with Paul. I was surprised because Paul treated my brother as if... I guess he treated him as if a guy treats his girlfriend's brother. I want to say he treated him as a friend, but it was a little bit more than that. It really reminded me of a classic-feel of when the boyfriend of the girl trys to impress her by befriending her sibling and... I guess... being friends with him? I can't really explain it. I guess it's kind of like when Freddie became friends with Rachel's younger brother in that old movie, She's All That. It made me feel... good. I felt like I chose the right guy to have come along with us. I don't think that even Gil could've done that for some reason, cause he doesn't have that personality... I don't really see it in him.

I've been wondering if I've started liking him after these few events. I feel like I am... Today I preferred to text Paul rather than Gil. That's not a good sign right? I'd rather speak to Paul than Gil. I dunno what I want anymore. I can't say anything now though, I'm about to see Gil in a week. 8 days actually. I guess I'll know better what I want when I'm there. I have to. I have to make a decision now.

I mean, with Gil, I have my whole future planned. It feels like a for sure thing. He would do anything for me... and he's gonna be a nurse, and he'll make good money so that no matter what I do, I'll be able to afford what I need. But then if I go the other direction, and by this I don't mean Paul, I mean just not be with anyone, I would be in a dark cloud again, not knowing anything.

I can't figure out which one I would want. I'm sure the old side of me would say go with Gil, because you'll know all the answers, but lately I've been finding that there's a new side of me and this new side would really like the future to be a blank right now because who knows what could happen. I guess I'm excited that something better may happen if I led a path where I didn't know how it would end up.

What's scarier? Knowing and picking where you'll end up or not knowing? What if I could end up better than what I know, then why would I still choose this road? I really don't know. I'm hoping desperately that the answer will come to me when I go to Florida to see Gil.

I told my mom about it and I had to lie. I said that I was going to see an old friend from school. I know she would never let me go otherwise. I don't like having to lie to her either. I wish I could have a boyfriend and be able to tell her that. I mean nothing or nobody is ever gonna be good enough I guess, but lying is... I don't like it that much.

I dunno what I'm trying to get at... but lately, I've been finding that I'm lying to my boyfriend about little stuff here and there. He has no idea I went to a water park with Paul. I really don't know how well he would be able to sit that and I don't want to worry him, but I guess by not telling him anything, I'm telling myself that there should be lots of worrying because it seems like I don't really know what I want after all.

To be honest, I hope I end up breaking things off. I'm not good at long distance relationships... and I thought that I would've learned from the first time around. I think I've changed from when I first met Gil completely and I think that I'm only gonna keep changing... and then I'm gonna want something different. If it's Paul or not, who knows then...

I hope I figure all this out soon.