I'm not sure what's going on. I used to think I had everything figured out but more and more I'm finding that I have even less figured out than could be possible. Sometimes I don't want to be with Gil anymore and I must admit that this is one of those said times.

I don't know what's wrong with him but he's sad. I don't feel like making him feel better because I don't feel great either. I came home last night from my first party, a college party at that. I only went because it was for this sorority that I want to join called Phi Zeta Tau. I know what you're thinking - who would've thought that I would join a sorority? I ended up liking them because the girls were anti-sorority when they joined, but I realized that I like everyone in the sorority because they were friendly. It felt more like a fun club then a sorority. I went out to the party because I really wanted to be in this sorority.

I ended up dancing for a bit with one or two guys, especially one guy, whom now that I think about it, I don't remember what he looked like or what his name was, he held my hips for awhile with his hand. I felt guilty at the time because I was reminded of Gil, but I guess in retrospective, I didn't really do anything wrong, as long as he doesn't find out, no feelings get hurt as I don't care for the guy at all.

I guess I had the vague realization, but now more so and it's that if I do join this sorority, Gil and I's relationship could very well end all very fast. My whole problem is that I'm not social. That's why I actually want to be in this sorority for one thing. I feel that I don't know anyone here. I have nobody who cares for me here and I really want to find a friend, a friend I could have for the rest of my life. But if I do join this sorority, most of my time will be gone, but it's not just that. If I join this sorority, I'll meet new people. The thing is I'm okay with being with Gil because I talk to him all the time and because I never meet any new people.

If I could have another "Gil", with the only exception is that he's here, why wouldn't I take that instead? Plus I know myself, absence for so long doesn't make my heart fonder, it makes me forgetful. Gil may be deeply madly in love with me, but I can only feel it for so long if he doesn't remind me.

I find out my fate tomorrow morning. They'll be calling me to let me know if they'll give me a bid or not and if they do, I'll accept it and be a pledge. In other words, I'll be in the sorority. Whatever happens between Gil and I after that... I guess I'll have to risk. For I can't help my greed of wanting more. Without him here, I can't change. I'll always want more than what I have. I'm sorry Gil. I know you deserve better.

I really wish that I could decide what it is that I want. Why did I get in this relationship thinking it could possibly work out when I was in a long distance relationship that lasted a year that didn't work out?

If Gil and I don't work out, I swear, I fucking promise I'm never going to do a long distance relationship. Ever.