I'll admit it - the reason for my lack of updates is simply that nobody reads this anymore. Okay, a few people do but they don't really provide any feedback so I feel like nobody's reading it. It's weird how when someone's not talking back to me, I feel as if there's no point in talking to begin with. Doesn't that ruin the whole point of having a diary? Who writes in a diary, expecting it to give you an opinion or an answer to your throughts or problems? Exactly.

While at one point in my life, I was a lot better at expressing my thoughts and feelings, I find more and more that I have no idea how I feel half the time. The sad part I suppose is that everything's now about "feelings" rather than events. Well, here's an event for you - Gil and I broke up. As I've said before and am now going to definitely live up to, no more long distance relationships under any circumstances.

I guess my reason for the two that I've had was because I met these people online. Well, I suppose that part of the reason that I dated someone I met online rather than in real life was because I was (and still am) terrible at finding a boyfriend in real life. I have a friend who seems to be dating all the time. I mean, he stays in relationships for awhile (a few months, a year, maybe a little longer), but the point is, he's in relationships more than he's single. I just don't understand how people do it. Am I simply too stupid to function when it comes to the dating world? Is there something that I'm not seeing that everybody else seems to have seen? Of course I suppose that dating all the time isn't a good thing... and when I start thinking about it, I suppose I've altogether been with someone at some time for about a little well over 2 years. The ironic part about this is that I have never in these 2 years ever felt like I was in a normal relationship - you know, like the ones you see on TV. Which leads me to wonder how normal I could possibly be!

Well, as always I've gone completely off the subject... but to try to get back...

The reason Gil and I broke up was because I decided that I needed to find happiness on my own. I suppose I've always know it but I've just forgotten about it, but really nobody should be in a relatinoship if they're going into one so that the other person could make them happy. You'll find that they won't meet your expectations.

Anyway, after I tried out for this sorority - I know, don't ask me what that's all about because I'm really not the sorority type, but I decided to try it because the people were different from the ones you see on TV and basically actually nice - and they basically dumped me or rejected me or pretty much plain out didn't want me. This ended up making me feel very betrayed and angry and I ended up more unhappy than ever!

After a terrible week, I came home for the weekend (as you may or may not know, I dorm) to find myself reconnecting with my mom. She told me all these things about how she wanted to get a divorce and I in returned told her that I felt unhappy at times. Somehow all of this just seemed to make everything better... So I came back to school the following week, strong... only to barely survive the rest of the week. Expecting to be greeted with the same welcome I felt last week, I was delighted - that is until I saw that it was nothing like last week.

My mom told me to play the piano. An activity that for the most part I've stopped doing because I don't get lessons anymore (because I'm not home on Tuesdays to receive them). Then she made me practice my Chinese. By the end of the weekend, she decided that I was problematic because I don't do my homework until the last minute and therefore I find life hard because I don't have enough time to relax. If I were to do my homework first, I would've had the rest of the weekend to honestly relax the whole time instead of partly worrying about homework (which was kind of true). Then she stated that I would never get anywhere far with this kind of habit.

The whole thing just left me sad! I've been feeling down at school and was counting on her to make staying home better for me, but instead I ended up disappointed and feeling worse.

Now it's Monday and I feel yet again at a dead end. I had such hopes before but now I feel like I'm back to square one... where I've been for probably over a year. I keep thinking about last year and how life was like then and compare it to this year. I ask myself if I'm happier and I can't say that I am and I think about how I was last year and I really think that I was sad... wouldn't that mean that the only thing left to conclude is that I'm sad?

I feel as if I've just proven mathematically that I'm sad. I guess that's the tone I've set up for in this entry.

The truth is I am sad. And the reason that I miss high school so much is because I used to feel so accepted at my old school and I felt like I had so many friends and maybe people didn't understand me but they didn't use that as a reason stay away from me. Well, I am some people did, but there was enough people that didn't.

I guess the thing is, I can't remember the last time that I've been myself at school. I still haven't found where I belong. Everyone here seems so fake to me and I wonder very much so if I would've been a lot happier if I went to some other school. Everyone here seems to be the same and they're all happy together, but I'm different and I'm all alone. UCI seems too impersonal, not just the teacher-student relatinoship but the student-student relationship too... but who knows? I could just be an idiot that doesn't know how to make friends... maybe that's why I don't know how to have a normal relationship either.