Chris left awhile back. The only reason I had to go for that one hour was because I have piano lessons today, and I can't miss that. I didn't mean to leave, but then I don't mean a lot of things. I think it's time to start over again. Starting from the simplist thing. I'm really trying to work things out with Chris like you wouldn't believe. The only reason I go over this so much is because I want the little things perfected like you woudn't believe. The weird part is that I've never had to work my ass off for that. I think that maybe because I want things so perfect with Chris, I somehow mange to mess it up anyway. Here's the truth, I want for Chris and I to work out so much that I've come to be what Chris wants me to be, that I do whatever it is that pleases Chris, that I say whatever it is that Chris wants me to say so that he would be happy, but in doing this I've lost what I actually am, what I actually want, who I actually am. So maybe it's time to start over. I shouldn't lie from the beginning. So here's it to you out in the open. I love Chris. That will never change. The bigget fear I have right now is losing Chris. It's gotten so bad that I've become pathetic. I don't ever want to lose Chris, cause if I do... I really might as well die. It's not like I got anything else to live for... but you know what I found surprising... that Chris talked to me and Nancy didn't; shows how much she cares. Man, I'm just a lousy ass bitch. I'm such a fucker. Chris makes me sane, yet he makes me go insane. It doesn't make sense does it? He says he gives me too much stress... you know what? He gives me even more stress. I feel like killing myself... or better yet, torture me in the worst way you can think of... drill screws inside my bones, chop off my fingers, poke my eyes out, burn with hot water and freeze my feet, and cut my legs off. That's how much I want it to hurt. I want to start over again. I'm just real scared that it's too late, because I may be scared of getting hurt, but that's not as big as losing Chris, losing Chris is the biggest fear, and pretty much, the only fear.

hOw dOes iT feeL? *sUcK*