Well, they went out again last night to eat somewhere and the waitress was hitting on Gil and by the end the waitress wrote down her number on his receipt. This lead to a conversation between Kim and Gil and Kim said that he's attractive and mysterious and so on and so forth. They drive home and then all of a sudden Kim suggests that they take a walk. They do that and Kim confess that she likes him. She tries to kiss him but Gil doesn't let her. He explains that he doesn't like her and just got out of a relationship (meaning me of course). She asked if he was waiting to be taken back. He said no. She asked that if I were to take him back would he. He said he doesn't know.
I was okay with all of this until I read that. I thought that he had decided that he was going to give us a chance if I were to take him back. It bothers me because I felt like he lied to her or either that he lied to me. Lying makes me feel uneasy.
After I finished reading that. I almost felt like completely setting him free. I just want to be a fading memory of his past. I know he wouldn't like that though. He wants us to be friends.
Then there's the thing with Paul. I feel like I like him, and in a different way then when I first met him and dated him. It seems like we've both changed a lot since then. I don't know if I should get with him. I do know that Paul is probably one of my few chances at a normal relationship... I don't feel right dating Paul because of Gil. I would be pulling an Eric (the faggot that broke up with me and got with another girl a month later even though he promised: he couldn't possibly see himself with another girl so soon). Not that I've promised Gil anything of the sort, but the reason I broke up with Gil was because I needed to find happiness on my own. But like I said, the truth is I don't think I could ever find it on my own... but he doesn't know that I feel this way now...
The only reason that I'm even thinking or considering dating Paul is that I don't want Paul and I to be a serious thing. With Gil it was so fucking serious, so fucking fast. Before I knew it we had our whole fucking lives planned. I don't have anything like that with Paul. In the simplest of terms, Paul and Gil are complete opposites... and they treat me differently. Both bother me in some ways but differently. Both are attractive in different ways. The problem is me. I don't really know what I want... and the prospect of having my future decided (like with Gil) scared me a lot... but I don't feel right being with Paul because of Gil.
Another reason is because I'm shallow. Gil isn't ugly but when I first saw him I was weary that I might dump him because I didn't find him attractive (but the whole world seems to find him attractive cause he's always got people hitting on him so it seems...). I like Gil now though and I think he's smile is cute, but that was only cause I really got to know him. I find him attractive by association with his personality. Paul isn't ugly either and I think I was (at least on some levels) attracted to him right away. The only thing that bothers me about him is he has long hair (Gil does too actually). Well, not as long as mine obviously (mine is down to my waist now) but longer than your average guy. It's at his shoulders. He hasn't shaved in about 2 years (although he says he's been thinking that he's going to). Okay, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
I'm shallow. I'm shallow in the way that I wouldn't want to date peopld I find attractive based on personality because other people might not find them attractive at first sight... and might in fact find them ugly and wonder what the hell me and this other person are doing together. I was okay with being with Gil because I was in Florida; I didn't know anyone. Who could judge me? Here, I have friends. And I can't stand the prospect of one of my friends thinking I'm dating someone unattractive. I don't have that kind of confidence.
I'm shallow. I know. I can't help it. I think so much about what other people think of me... but I'm sure I'm not the only one. But I hate being shallow because it makes me feel so impure. Ugh.