I told Paul about Gil yesterday and it seems that he doesn't think any less of me. I told him everything and he was okay with it, but I felt stupid though... I felt like what I did with Gil was stupid. Now that I really think about Gil, I was just a silly girl that didn't know any better. I was just so lost and I didn't know what to do. I kept following the wrong path because it was the only path in sight. I hate saying it, but I really regret being with Gil. It was never what I wanted, I was just too weak to say no because I felt bad.
I haven't talked to him in weeks. I'm sure he's fucking depressed as hell. He was gonna date this other girl... because she really liked him and he was finally starting to like her too, probably cause of time... It doesn't really matter now because she's moving back to Korea. I kinda feel bad for him. I know he's gonna think, life never works out for me the way I want it to... and I can't help but think him whiney for it. A lot of people's life don't work out the way they want it to, but you just gotta suck it up and deal with it.
Lately, I feel like the only thing that gets me is Death Cab for Cutie. I've got What Sarah Said and Title and Registration (original version) on repeat. They're both sad songs (then again DCFC seem to only have sad songs) and it makes me sad. Whenever I listen to them, it only makes me sadder, yet I can't help but put it on repeat and put myself in a depressed state.
I'm still with Paul. That itself can be divided into so many subjects. I refuse to admit it but Paul and I had sex and the sad part is, I don't remember what the first time was like and I refuse to count it. He was inside me and there was thrusting... I know that just the mere fact that he was inside me is supposed to mean that we had sex... but I refuse to count it. We've done it plenty of times again since then... We haven't been using protection (he always pulls out before he's even close). At first neither of us were reluctant to call it having sex, but seeing as we've done it so many times, he thinks we have now. He still remember the first time and all of that... but I refuse to accept that we've already done it because that would mean I can't remember my first time with him.
I don't get why girls have this silly notion that so many things have to be perfect, like prom, but I never cared for prom. Why can't sex be prom? I can't help but think how much easier it would be if I didn't put so much emphasis on things turning out exactly like how I want it. Wanting something to turn out exactly the way I want it to... I always set myself up for a fall and I can't even seem to do anything about it. If I were to say to myself, Anna, having sex the first time doesn't really mean anything more than any other times, I can only convince myself of that for so long, before I'd have to admit that yeah, it does mean something. I can't force myself to think of it differently because I guess I was just raised to think that sex the first time around means more than any of the other times. Paul seems to think otherwise though. He says it's special to him everytime. I believe him, because this is the kind of person Paul is. I wish I could think of it like he does.
He wants to buy condoms but I refuse. I still refuse to admit that we've had sex. I have however said that we're not gonna do anymore of this and that whenever I can't take it and I really have to have "sex", then we'll buy condom and we'll really do it. I don't know how strong I am though, so maybe this was just me setting myself up to have sex.
I don't even know where to begin with all the other stuff about him. I only know one thing now... and that's that I love him. I just wonder if it'll be enough.
He's going to be back soon so I better end this here.