I think you're very interesting, Prue, because whenever I want to talk to you, I never get to, or I'm lazy or whatever other excuse it is, but now that I'm actually here, I'm not quite sure what to say to you... You're not like all my other journals... mostly due to the fact that you're a public journal. I haven't owned a written journal since May, but then, when I had Gaia (my latest journal), I didn't get much of a chance to write to her, mostly due to the fact that I never had the time. How things have changed...
Last night, I went offline at 3AM, due to the fact that I was having an interesting conversation with Chris. I kept it, and I would show you it, but you wouldn't be interested, plus it's personal stuff, get your own juicey secrets... tee hee heh. Well, I hate to admit it, but being with Chris is tiring! But that's due to the fact that he never gets any sleep... well at least he's understanding about it. I woke up at 7AM today, and I was like "fuck it" and I went back to sleep, the next thing I know it's 10:15AM. Oh yeah, my watch started working again. I guess all the water in it is gone. Yippie! I'll try to watch out for it... I don't want the water to go back in. I don't know, the more I spend time with Chris, the deeper it gets, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, cause it isn't. It's just that in the back of my head, I keep thinking what I said when Jason and Nancy were acting coupley, and I think Chris and I are doing that. And I remember what I said to Nancy, that if you're acting coupley, it's just wrong if you're not actually a couple. Well, here's the funny part, I'm not with Chris and I'm acting coupley with him. I'm such a hypocrit, and I am kinda hating myself for it...
My mom keeps bring up about how if you get too deep with guys, they affect you, it's not that I don't believe her, I do. Guys do affect you. I've been really convinced this whole time that even if Chris and I have some tragic ending (that's me, prepared for the worst), I would still be able to deal with it... but somehow, now, I'm not so sure... because I underestimated just how deep my love for Chris is and I am kind of scared in the back of my head that if some horrible thing happened, what if I can't deal with it? But I know I can't turn back... because I can't believe that in the end, even if the ending was so tragic, I would regret it. There's nothing to regret when it comes to Chris.
We went to see Blood Work yesterday, it wasn't what I thought it would be about at all. The name really misleads you... but then again, I can see why they call it Blood Work. It was predictable to say the least... it was one of those, the goody-goody-next-door-neighbor-that-always-helped-you-is-the-killer,-and-all-he-was-trying-to-do-was-help type plot... oh yeah, I saw it with Chris, Nancy and Ricky. It was different this time though. There was something there that I just haven't seen before... I know that I need someone where I could stare into their eyes, know what they're thinking/feeling, and get lost in them. I've honestly never thought much about it, but I think a person's eyes are the key to all emotions, the sad part is, most people cover their eyes (not literally), and you can't read it, but not Chris's. Chris's eyes you can look into and know everything. They're clear and pure. I wasn't paying much attention to the movie because of this, I'm not quite sure why, but all I wanted to do was stare at his eyes, and get lost in them, because I don't need to speak to him, I would know exactly what he's feeling just by looking at them, but by doing that, he kept asking me what was wrong. I just feel something there...
I know this is the real thing. One of the most ...commonly (if that's the word you want to use... cause I can't think of another one) asked question that I've always heard is, "how do you know when you're in love?" and the answer you usually receive is, "you just know". And that's true. You just know. Somehow, everyday is a struggle for me, because even as I talk to Chris, it's not the same as actually being there. It's not even necessarily about talking, it's just that you're there, because I remember that moment, when Chris was holding me at the movies, staring at me, and me staring back, I have never felt so safe, and nothing's ever been so right before... and to me, more than anything, that's all I want... That's all I want.. that's all.
*~AnNa