i got so tired of my 10 songs or so on my winamp. i finally got so annoyed that i added some old songs i DLed before. Matt came back and Nancy tells me that Ricky's with Meilssa Osteria now. the only thing i thought was, "but Melissa's a senior and Ricky's a juinor. that's not right. but what does it matter right? ...
I think I finally realize what i wanted from chris all this time. i think that firstly, it was just such a 'shock' (if that's what you wanna call it) for me to find out that chris isn't the guy i thought he was. i'm not saying everything i'm going to say about him is right, but this is the way i think it works and the way i see it, and it may not be right. he has like this split personality thing. when he's with his friends he's always fooling and joking around and he's never really himself, he's what i call 'numb'. where he just doesn't feel anything and he laughs everything off. sometimes i think this is cuz he's 'tough'. but he did grow up from a tough neighborhood. i don't blame him for the way he acts or pretends to be. i think, i know him well enough to know that he doens't mean to be that way, but he's so convinced that he was that way. around feb, what i liked about between chris and i was that chris actually gave me a sense of belonging in this world. becuz chris and i are totally differnet ppl, but for him to talk about things and me being able to say "i konw what he's talking about". that's us connecting. it made me feel like i wasn't the only one. and i really liked that. i felt like i was someone. but chris is only serious when he's not around those friends of his. i'm not saying there's anythign wrong with them. they're all okay ppl. i dont think much of them. but see the only thing i was from chris right now, is to be able to talk like we used to. i miss that, and i guess i had this slight obsession for him to like me again, so he would talk to me. but you can't make ppl like anyone. plus, it wouldn't work anyway. chris is just chris. i dunno how to explain it. i'm really happy i got to know him in the view that i do. i mean not everything he does is right or good. but i can see it from his view and i could know why he did it. i think, i respect chris, the serious side of him. but as for the way he always acts around his friends, i dont think that's even him. so i would just wish that he would quit acting like that. of course, he wont change just like that. and plus, ppl aren't like that.
one other thing is, i think ppl underestimate chris. and i dont mean like him being stupid, well it's one of the things. i never thought chris was stuipd, but i did underestimiate his intelligence. it's not that he doesn't care, cuz i know he does (dont ask me why i know, i just do), it's just that he doesn't care enough to do anything. plus, he has alredy figure that he doesn't wnat to get anywhere in life. so why should he bother with that stuff? but not just intelligence, but common sense too. he's not really an average guy kinda think. he's good at lying. he plays mind games with you at that. where it seems like he's being a bad liar but then you think if he's lying badly purposly. i think he's also a 'plotter'. what i mean by this is that if he was planning something, he would realize from every angle and not miss anything. kinda like if you were to murder someone, chris woudlnt' do it messyily, he would do it with every second planed. that's what i mean. so in general, chris is underestimated. i think i know him well enough to know that he's not as stupid (well, not stupid, 'dense' is a better word) as he looks.