Well, the last time I wrote to you was Thursday. Thursday was horrid in it's own ways I guess. It was hard for me to get by Thursday; left over thoughts in my head that never gets resolved, they tend to get stuck in my head, and I don't get over it very well. Well, I wanted to talk to Chris yesterday, I tried calling and as usual, no one answered. So I went to the cabinet and took a long gulp or some kind of liquor. Afterwards my eyes turned bloodshot red, which freaked me out for a second, cause I've never seen it happen before. Well, I eventually fell asleep (without crying... ha!)
Well after I got to school... nothing big really happened. Well, at snack I was talking to Nancy, and Andre and sometime during the middle I helped Alicia open her locker, but for the most while, even as I talk to Nancy, Andre and Alicia, my eyes wander towards where Chris is and my mind just can't quite focus on anything else. That day, as I've seen before, was where I see Chris and Alyssa talking by themselves, and Diego and Raciel... (and that one guy, I don't know his name) next to them, but not facing each other. This I've seen a lot, and yeah, I've gotten used to but I can't help but feel jealous somewhat.
At lunch I actually had the guts to hang out with Chris's group (yep, believe it or not). Well, at first I was talking to Chris, it was okay. Then Alyssa comes over and the first thing she does, I mean, THE FIRST (she doesn't even say hi first), she puts her arms on Chris's shoulder and puts her head on her arm, and I'm like WTF? But she released it like 3 seconds after... then Alyssa kept wanting Chris to go to this place to get your ID cards if you didn't get them already. And I was just thinking, if you go with her, I'm going to remember this, Chris. Luckily, Chris was smart enough not to go, although it took some while. She even grabbed his hands and tried to pull him outta the band room. Well, then she gave up and left. Then she came back and left again, and again. Then afterwards, she finally left. I felt 2 things at once then. The first thing was that I felt better, mostly because I was able to stay there and not leave Chris, like Alyssa did. That to me, shows that I can do what I want to do, if I really want to, like I can control it, and like I'm stronger than her, but even while I feel like this, another part of me feels bad, not for her, but I felt bad because I felt like I destroyed Chris, Diego and Raciel's happiness of picking on Alyssa.
Well, then band practice started, but Nancy stayed in the band room because someone else took her spot in the marching show. Well, she came during the middle of practice to tell me that my mom is looking for me, so I walk over to the parking lot and I tell my mom there's practice. And guess who I see... none other than Alyssa. So then, as soon as I see my mom's outta sight, I go over there, get right in front of her, look right at her and the first thing that comes outta my mouth is this - "what do you have against me?" and along with some other stuff like "why do you hate me? 'cause I don't hate you, I mean, it's not like I like you, but I don't hate you... or dislike you. I don't even know you"... and then she told me that she held a grudge against me due to the fact that I insulted her once (even thought I was joking) so I apologized to her (cause I'm THAT nice) then afterwards, I was like "well, I can't force us to be friends or anything, but I don't know, I'd hope to at least get along... I don't want to pull Chris on my side and you pulling him to yours" and she nodded. I told her I was real open minded, whatever she says, I would always understand. Well, then she said she had to go cause her ride was there. I wanted to talk to her more, I believed what she said, until Nancy told me about this one incident in her English class today, something about how Alyssa was laughing even though she thought it was stupid or something (basically, that she can be fake), for the most part, I believe that she COULD be lying, I mean, Zuri can do it real well too. Like the day at that beach party, she offered to get Nancy cake, now I don't know much, but I know she doesn't like her, so why would she offer her cake? Unless she wanted to be friends with her again, which I HIGHLY doubt.
Then I go back to practice, and I'm just standing there, the whole time I was thinking about this. I mean, should I believe Alyssa or not? I don't know if she meant what she said. If she was lying and she didn't want to even TRY to get along with me or whatever, you know what that's fine. I just don't want her to lie to me, cause lying is just fucked up, it's more fucked up than not wanting to try. I just stood there, trying to do my part in the marching band and I got pissed off, I was just pissed off at everything. I don't know, when you think about it, it wasn't that big of a deal, but it is because I was at my highest point of happiness for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be stressed and annoyed, and when that hit me, it just came crashing down and I just wasn't prepared for it. Well, the whole drumline was messing around with that stupid cellphone which was playing "The Mexican Hat Dance", and for once, I knew what it felt like to be Jason - annoyed because you're serious and they're not. I kinda bitched at Jason too, because that's how pissed I was. Well, Jason if you're reading this, sorry about that... Anyway, the whole thing didn't help solve anything...
Practice ended at 4, and I didn't realize cause I thought it would be till 5 cause that's when it usually ends, so I'm walking to the band room, and I get inside... I'm sitting on a chair next to Ricky's tenors.. and I just couldn't take it anymore... you have no idea how close I was to crying, Prue. Like, the tears was gonna come out, but I blinked it away. I suppose I should just let it all out with a big bang like I always do. First I yell, then I cry, or the classic - both at the same time.
Well Nancy came over and when I got home, I found chicken curry in the fridge, yay! Yummy. Then, we went to that swapmeet to buy some junk, I bought mostly school junk. Oh and a ring, hehe... Well, that made me feel better...
After Nancy left, I went online for a bit. Later on, I talked to Chris on the phone. He tells me I should defend myself more. I don't know, it's just not what I do, and then I was thinking about it and one of the prime example that came to my head was on the first day of school, where Raciel cutted me. I mean, I wasn't really in line cause I wasn't gonna buy anything, but it's just that he wanted to cut and I was like "go for it". Don't ask me how I got this way, but I'm used to it. I mean, I'm just not a fighter with these little things, which reminds me of that water ballon thingy at band camp, where everyone rushed to get a water ballon, but not me. Me, I wait until everyone leaves and they're all happy and I'm just there, after everyone's gone and I pick outta there, I'm not saying that the choices were lousy or anything, but I'm just saying that I let stupid things like that go really easily... but not just the stupid little things, I let EVERYTHING go, and I'm starting to think that maybe it's time I stopped doing that. if I let everything go, how can I possibly expect to have SOMETHING left? See, in the past, I've always lived off of karma, when other people aren't nice to me, they'll get punished anyway... if I'm punishing them, karma will punish me too... but I don't know, I don't know what I could've possibly done to deserve all this stress, maybe it's time for a little fun of my own.
Well, anyway, I woke up at 10:30am today and I watched some Yu-Gi-Oh!, I found it quite nice because I actually got up early enough for cartoons, I'm the usually-not-awake-until-12pm-or-later kind of person. The driving instructor actually came today, I drove for hours. It was boring. I have left-turn-phobia. Well, then Chris came over... and that about ends my day, too tired to type anymore, see ya Prue.
*fRagiLe*