Upon reading Chris's latest entries, 10 and 11, I think I finally realized what I did "wrong". Ok, this is gonna be hard to get used to but I'm okay with it. It's weird, because I was reading his entries, at first, yeah, I felt hurt, like a normal human being, but later on, all I could think was, "well, at least he's happy". I don't know if you think I'm dumb or whatever it is you think, but to be honest, I don't really care except that he's happy. Your happiness is my happiness. I have a lot of options with a lot of different things just like Chris. The questions I need to ask myself are "where am I going?" and "who is going with me?" not the other way around.
I'll tell you one thing though, Chris has indirectly lied to me... all that stuff about how I was never going to lose him, wrong! Love is unpredictable. I was cautious this time. I knew exactly word for word of how far I've said and exactly what I've said. I told him I'll always love him. That is true. He'll never lose me, but hey, I'm the one that lost him... it's a little different. I'm okay with that. You don't need anyone but yourself. I love not to expect it back, or because you fulfill my needs, but because I want to. It's my decision... I know a lot of this doesn't make sense, but this has to do with one of my future entries, I'll tell you which one. I'm not exactly sure whether from now on to keep saying stuff like how you'll never lose me and junk, because I broke a promise like that once, and Chris did the same. Now, if Chris is thinking, "well, that's your fault because I told you how I felt and you never listened, you never cared enough, and it's too late to care." Well, I'll let him think that, but I'm not THAT stubborn, and I have a lot of common sense in me to see what's going on.
Well, I'll use the rest of this entry to tell you something related with Chris to these thoughts.
I watched "Swimfan" yesterday with Nancy and Andre. If Andre didn't go, it would've been the first movie I saw with only Nancy since like April or May when "The Sweetest Thing" came out (well that is if you don't count that one day, June 19, when school was out and Nancy and I saw Star Wars 2, and later saw Undercover Brother) I was originally planning to see The Sweetest Thing with Chris actually, but we never saw it. I'm sure I have the conversation in my computer somewhere that said what day it was exactly. Well, during the movie (The Sweetest Thing), all I could think about was Chris. I was half and half. I was partly listening to the movie, watching it, while another part of me was imaging the present, like if he was here... I couldn't concentrate in that movie at all...
Swimfan is the first movie I've saw without Chris and you have no idea how scared I was that I might miss Chris in my head all throughout the movie, or I was not gonna be able to enjoy the movie or whatever... well, here's what happened... in the very beginning, before that Madison girl even transferred into the school, and I saw Ben (Jesse Bradford) and Amy (Shiri Appleby), and they were like this happy couple or whatever, yeah, I'll admit the first image I had or the first thought that popped into my head was Chris and I, in a way, it was very similar to the relationship we had (yes, I do mean had), but during the movie... like the middle, Chris just flew out of my mind. he didn't pop up until we were out of the theater, and I was thinking "wow, I didn't think about Chris much at all." So it goes to show you just how much it bothers me now.
Chris and I have been through a lot, I'll give you that, I'm still going to have a lot of looking back's, so yeah, look forward to them I guess, cause I'm pretty sure you're gonna get them anyway. As I've said in the last looking back, this is probably the deepest you'll get outta me about the way I think, why I think that way, and how I respond as to thinking that way. I'll tell you now that I'm not perfect and I know I'll make mistakes. If you say you don't make them, well, good for you, but this gal's gonna make her mistakes. One of the best things about me is that I can make mistakes. I'm not afraid to make them. And I know I've made my share of them, but I also know that there's gonna be many more to come. I'm not exactly as fast as I used to be, but I haven't stopped yet.
So, in this final thought right here, I want you to think about a past relationship (if you've had one) where you really strived at it, and you tried so hard at it... where you loved that person so much you'd do anything for them. Don't tell me that you won't do anything for them now, because that's not true, if that's true, you never loved that person, or cared about that person... because a breakup doesn't matter. Your feelings are still there. I can't let go of them, I'm going to hold on to them, because in the end, that's all you'll ever have - memories. I want you to think back on that relationship, and I want you to think in your head or say out loud...
I am glad to have met you. You have helped me discover parts of who I am. You have shaped me to be better for the future, and I am so thankful that I had a chance to be with you, to care for you, to love you. Thank you for loving me and wishing me the best always. I hope that you will find what you are looking for... and as we continue on our journey, I know that you will be a part of me, part of my heart, whether we're together or not. Most of all, remember that I love you, that I always will. I hope that there will never be a day where you wake up and doubt that I don't love you. That I haven't thought about you (in the past day/hour... etc.), because I'll always love you and always think of you.
*fRagiLe*