today, i felt like killing myself again. esp. right after i came out of the library. nothing is going the way it is anymore. and i dunno what to do about it. i feel so helpless and hopless just like i did before. and i hate feeling this way. and this is bother the hell outta me. i was looking at a converstaion i had with chris. the last one i had, where he actually talked to me as a good friend, not a nonexistant being. and i realize that he really did like me, but i was pretty much too blind to read the signs. (love makes you blind, but i never loved chris...) anyway, i was just thinking about how i took that for granted. truth is, i would like to say that i have chris figured out, but i know for a fact that i don't and for some reason, i dont like admitting that. dont ask me. i guess i just want to make it seem like i'm the best person in the world and i know everything or something. i know i'm not that, but i would like to pretend. anyway, i realize how i took that side of chris liking me for granted. it was such a nice feeling being friends with chris that i didn't realize it. i dunno, in the last conversation he... i dunno, it's hard to explain. but see, he made it sound like he was saying, "from now on i'm treating you like shit". and i'm wondering if he is doing that purporsly or really does think that i'm a nonexistant person. for some reason i just can't let it go. i just refuse the fact taht chris could turn out like that after everythign i know about him. or maybe that whole thing was a lie. then he was really good at lying. i just want him and i to be friends again, like before were we actually talked. but i'm just so tired of going through all this shit and i just wanna choke him and say "What's worng with you?" of course, that's what i wanted to do to jason too. i just hate this repeated pattern, yet there's no escaping from it becuz it keeps repeating itself. and i'm so tired of being hurt. when will i be happy? happiness is desreved, so i guess i haven't done anythign to deserve it lately. i just want to rot away and die. i want to be shot... i want to feel pain... i've turned into a female version of chris...