I was looking through Enrique's journal thingy and I just realized what band is like. People seriously hate some people in that band, but they don't say anything. We have one thing in common, and sometimes that's all there is. I mean it's funny how we have such hatred for a single individual, but yet when they're standing right in front of you, you can flash that fake smile (just like Jason Blankinship's) and make it seem like everything's cool. You know the only reason people do that is because they don't want to start shit. And that's how a lot of it is in band. There's so much tension between some people, that you can see the spark of light between them when they stare into each other eyes with that hatred. It's the one time where you can stare at someone's eyes without laughing. ...But then there comes a time when that tension gets too high to contain. Though there's many forms of it happening, the more likely is that something will happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the middle of the feud. I want to be the perfect friend, but to do that, you're asking me to be someone that's too hard to be. Believe me, I want to be the perfect friend, but that's impossible considering how I make so many mistakes as it is. Sometimes I wish so badly that we had the same history, the same teachings, no rebellion and we were all the same; if you really think about it, it's all about your history, how you were brought up into this world - the way you see life. If we could think the same, then life would so much more simpler. That's why I say and still say that communication is #1. If you have communication, you can travel so many roads down the way. Communication is key. Yet so little people know how to use it. I'd like to think that I'm one of those people that can. I hate to compliment myself, because I make myself look egotistical, and that is not who I want to be. I'm pretty sure that 75% of the time, I eventually get my point across in communication. My mom says I can't explain anything in Chinese. I guess I'll agree... but anyway, that's not really what I wanted to talk about. That's just what I noticed today about the band - how people are always complaining. Yes, I'd like to say, "stop complaining and do something about it," but then, I'd be a big hypocrit, because here I am going on about Chris and Ricky... and I'm not doing anything... so I won't say anything to that.
Nancy says I've been speaking my mind a lot, mostly insults. This could only mean one thing... I'm going through that phase where I just don't give a damn about anything. Although, I'm not quite there yet, but if I am, I still give a damn about a few other things. I've noticed that some of the stuff I say, are only to please other people... I mean, that's how you gotta be in life.. seriously, you can't go up to someone and say, "Hi. I hate your hair. And why's your jacket so small...Oh! Are you poor?! Boy am I glad I'm not you..." and so forth. I mean, doesn't that sound so fucking rude? The better thing to say is, "Hi. Your hair is a little messy, I'll fix it for you. Is that jacket too small? Would you like to borrow mine? Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you're broke, I hope you'll get better," I mean, somewhere along the lines of that. Ok, now let me tell you this one fact: Everyone cares at one point what other people think about them. I know I do.
A lot of things I wish I could say, I would never say because it's rude and you just don't say things like that to people, but during this noncaring stage of mine, I don't give a shit. Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth... well, let's just say I'm going to be buying a lot of soap. And I hate being this way, because it insults everyone so much, but I'm sorry guys this is just the way I am. I keep everything bottled up inside and pretty soon I'm on the verge of exploding, and I'm so sorry guys, if I could do anything for each one of you, I'd be perfect for you. The way you want me to be, but in trying so hard to accomplish this, sometimes, I forget myself, but not just that, I forget who I am... I'm sorry I'm going to be such a bitch, it's just that I try too hard.
I've also noticed that I don't have time for anything anymore. I check my mail once every 2-3 weeks. I look at other people's diaries once a week or so. I know I suck guys. I know. I'm such a fucker, and I hope you guys are like totally hating me because I hate myself. I hate where I'm at. And if you're thinking, "you're letting the little stuff get to you," or "you're complaining about nothing, there's people who don't have homes..." You're right. That's what makes me an even bigger fucker, and the worst part is, even as I know this, I keep writing. I'm so sorry Anna, that I've failed you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't be what you wished me to be. But sometimes some things are just so hard... I'm so sorry...