The first person, if you haven't guessed yet is Nancy. And Nancy, I about 70-80% sure that you're wondering what I have to possibly apologize to you for. Well, I'll give you the first reason right now. I'm sorry I've been a whore/ho (I only said that because you know how I find it annoying to be called that) to you. I'm sorry I called you a bitch, and I'm also apologizing in advanced, because I know that I'll probably call you a bitch again someday, whether it is because I'm not paying attention... or in bad mood or what. You are not a bitch. Never let youself think that. If anything, I'm the bitch. So I want to apologize to you for that. I also want to apologize for anything else insulting I've said, not just this week (although, espcially this week), but any other times where you felt I've insulted you. I wish so much that you could just stop me when I've made you feel bad, because a few days ago when you said I called you a bitch and I didn't realize it, I felt a knife go into my heart. I don't want to hurt you like that. So, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for all the complaining I do... I'm sorry for any little pain I've caused or anything I've said to upset you. Sometimes I wish I could kill off every little thing that's bugging you, because I wish so much for you to find that pure happiness that will never go away. I know I sound like a mom, but it's true. That's how I feel for you. I feel like you deserve so much more than you are getting and sometimes I wish so desperately for you to have that. Try to realize that I'm not perfect though I try so hard to be. I wish I could give you everything. If I could, I'd buy you all the happiness in the world. I know I sound like I'm your significant other or whatever, but I just want you to realize how much I appreciate you in my life. And I don't want to wake up one day thinking that I don't appreciate you, or that I don't care about you. And I'd hate it if I was a bitch to you and you have this long awaited hatred in you, because let me tell you, once you reach that point, you can't return. And I don't want us to be even close to that point. So I'm sorry for all the stupid shit I've said, I'm sorry for all the shit I've done or didn't do. I'm sorry I couldn't have been a better friend, especially this week.
My 2nd apology goes to Zuri, and not just one either, but on so many levels. I think the biggest thing is that we can't communicate very well. And Zuri, I don't know if you believe this or not, but so many times I've tried so hard to please you, but they were all just hidden. I don't know how well you know me, but I can't stand the thought of anyone hating me, I just can't. You don't know how much I notice your every little move. I'm always looking for some way to get to being friends. I owe you one of the biggest apologies. I agree that there has been a lot of miscommunication between us. Especially through this diaryland junk. I mean, for you to hate me has literally become one of my biggest fears and because of this, I hardly write anything about you because I don't need you to get mad at me. I'll admit that I have made a lot of errors when it comes to you, and I have been quick to judge at times, espcially with the Mike thing. That, I probably owe you the biggest apology for because you were right about that. I wasn't looking it through your point of view. I'm sorry you had to suffer all that stuff with your uncle, though I really don't know all that much about it. I would really like for us to start all over, but I know that there'd be a lot of work involved in fixing it first. I'm not gonna ramble on about it in here, because I'm afraid that you might take what I say in the wrong way. Heck, if you wanna know something, I'm scared that I might have written something here to annoy you, or to have you hate me or dislike me already... I just really want to try again...
I have another apology here for Denysia. This one is short, because this isn't the first time I've apologized. You don't know how hard it is to let go of one of my closest (or was closest) friend, but I have a lot to learn about friendship, and this is one of them. I hate to sound like a bitch, but I wish so badly that Denysia would've told me when I was a bitch to her, because I know it was building up inside of her for the longest time. And that may be one of the reasons that gets me like this. How I continuously feel bad for all the little bad things I say and do to my friends. I don't ever want anyone to go through what Denysia did. Sometimes, I wish I could go back, because if I could, I wouldn't have done that. I don't think she'll give me another chance, plus, she deserves better than me, but of all the regreats... She was the biggest one. I can't believe I didn't try. I know she won't read this, but I wish so much that she knew how sorry I am... I really do...
This next one is to Jason actually. I know I've annoyed him a lot this week with drumline stuff. I respect Jason a lot because of the way he is. Yes, I do agree that Jason could be a bit too serious, but I am too sometimes. I like how Jason looks over us, bass drummers. If he were to become drumline captain; he is someone I could really respect. Jason is a great guy and he's hard working. He knows where he's going and a lot of the times I wish I could have that in me. I know I've said a lot of shit since like forever... I know we're not really getting along this week. In fact, maybe you're even bitching about me like shit, but it doesn't matter. I'm still sorry cause I know I've been a bitch lately. Of everyone I know, you're the one person I know that is gonna get everything that you want. And I have so much respect for that. I'm sorry to cause you annoyance and anything else. I never meant for that. I know you'll find everything you want and need.
This next apology is for just everyone else that couldn't stand me this week. I'm sorry Enrique if I pushed too hard with the jokes. I'm sorry Ricky if I was too hard on you, but sometimes you make it so hard. I'm not sorry about what I said, but I'm sorry about the way I said it. Sorry Chris about the whole candy incident... Sorry everyone about all my bitching... sorry if I offended you Arthur. Sorry if I've ignored you, Matt. Sorry if I've been too tough on you *Leader*... Je suis desolee, Andre... if I did something you didn't like. Apologies to anyone else I've missed... my last part in this is about Gus...
I actually want to thank you. I wish I could tell you just how much it means to be your friend. I hope so much that I could be of help to you in more than one ways, because in a lot of way, you reflect myself. I know how hard you try at things, and I know how some things just doesn't work out. I don't know how close of a friend we can actually be, but I hope you know that I really want to help you in any way I can, because helping someone else is a lot easier than helping myself. I know you're fair Gus, and that's what makes you different from Nancy. And no offense to you Nancy, but right now I think I need someone fair. Gus, I know you've been through a lot of shit in your life. I know you don't believe in karma, but I do. I think that for all that suffering you've gone through, something good will come eventually, so while you don't hope for it yourself, I'll do it for you. I know we're not that close, but I hope that you'll come to me if you need some help. I look forward to talking to you some more. Oh... and thank you for making me feel appreciated today. You have no idea how much that means to me, because I've been having a bad week. It's good to know that at least someone appreciates me, so I owe you a big thank you. In the end, Gus, I know that everything will work out for you. Don't ask me how, but it's just what my instincts are saying, and my instincts are usually right.
~fAlling...