This week has been well, hell, to put it bluntly. So much has changed. And this time, it's not a good thing. I know I'm changing. I wish I didn't have to, because this change is big. It's dangerous big and it's gonna ruin everything I've got going for me. the worst part is, I don't know how to stop it.
I wrote an entry back when I had scribble about how people view. The way you view something, is all based on how you feel about that person as it is. And it's hard to change how you feel about a person once it's set. You can take a joke that your friend told and find it hilirious, yet if it was an enemy telling the same one, it'd just be lame to you. There's so many forms of this, from something little as a joke, to something so much bigger, but it's all the same.
Now, I have a confession to make. I've actually said this, but I doubt there's actually people that have paid attention to this, becuase I hardly emphasized on it, or show this emotion. I am a very jealous person. The biggest one is when Nancy wants to go out to the movies or something and I can't go, so she goes with some other people or something like that. I feel lefted out. And I think that's one of the suckiest feelings, and that gets me jealous. The only reason I didn't go is because my parents didn't let me. Nancy's parents aren't so strict on her going out now. I can understand where she's coming from. I mean, she's my age, I know what it feels like to want to go out to the movies and junk. I can understand that. To be competely honest, if I had a different best friend or something, I'm pretty sure I would go out A LOT less. Yeah, I'm outgoing, but I could care less if I could go out or not. It's fun going out, but sometimes you wanna stay home. So, whenever Nancy lays this pressure on me to go out, it gets worse as I think of the jealousy I'd have. Take for example the incident at the pool, the one I didn't go, I mean, look what happened right? I was so fucking jealous that day that I didn't go, but everything happens for a reason. I know she's not strong when it comes to saying "no." Doing the right thing can be hard. I understand that. but you know, it's not about that anymore. It's just this constant pressure she puts me through about going out and having fun. Yeah, I get that, but I'm so sick and tired of it, because everytime I ask to go out my mom bitches at me (of course then she lets me go) so, it's either I stay home and get jealous or go but feel bad about it. I mean, what the fuck? And If I don't go and I tell nancy not to go, I'd be telling her what to do and friends don't control each other. I wish there was a way around it but there isn't.
There's another thing that's been bothering me. I had this thought Wednesday when the drumline was marching back and the thought I had was "the whole drumline should be here" and the first person I thought about was Nancy... because she wasn't there. And then the next thought I had was "lazy ass, why does she get to get away with not marching when everyone else doesn't? I mean, even Jason (the younger one) is here." There's 3 things going on here form this thought. 1- Anger. 2- Hypocrisy 3- The reason chris 'picks' on me.
Anger. I'm angry because I have to march and she doesn't and the more I think about it, the worse it gets because it's like "you know what, it's just some marching crap, it's not like we marched for a whole hour before we were dismissed." And the more you think about it the angrier you get.
Hypocrisy. It's stupid because I was the one that was complaining about how I didn't want to march and crap, and here I go saying to Nancy how she should march too. I get that I'm maturing, but I've found that it's not like everyone matures with you. I'm starting to care about things I didn't before, that's all. I take marching band to the head now.
Why Chris picks on me? Because I'm the first person that comes to his mind. Don't ask me what that's supposed to mean, because I don't have an answer for you, but I'm about 70% sure that's why he always picks on me.
For the first time, I actually yelled at Nancy. I don't know if you want to call it yell, but that's what it was to me. I only yell when I'm deeply upset, I've been having this problem with everyone for awhile. I keep feeling like nobody's listening and nobody gives a shit. And I'm truly bothered by this. I know this is partly because I feel like the attention has to be constantly on me. I know that's not great, it's one of my faults that I can't fix, because it's just the way I feel. You can't force me to feel a certain way that I don't. I'm not sure as to whether it's me that changed or I just noticed this, or if it's just everyone else. I feel like everyone has left me, like no one cares, or no one understands. I wish so much, that someone could tell me it'll be alright, that I know that it's not true, because that's not the point. I know Nancy's not the type to know how to comfort. She lacks in that skill. She has no idea how to comfort someone when they're in trouble. I won't blame that on her. Knowing how to cheer someone up isn't done by yourself, you need compassion from others in order to give to others yourself. I'm not so great at cheering people up either.
But, I posted an away message that said...
"I've been searching deep down in my soul... words that I'm hearing are starting to get old... feels like I'm starting all over again...
[I can relate]
If you're still reading... let's see how much you'll read... I just really need someone who's constantly gonna listen to me, I'm rambling on but you know what, I know I'm rambling, it's part of my feeling better process, but when I'm talking and that person doesn't listen, it makes it worse. So for those of you who listen to me when I'm rambling, you know who you are, Matt and Andre especially, thanks so much for listening to me. It means so much. So here's it... if you really cared about me enough to read this, IM me a message, otherwise I know how you really feel about me."
Not many people were on, so I let it go. One person responded. If you're reading this, you know who you are. I appreciate it. I'm pretty sure that 2 other people would've responded if they read my away message. However, Nancy didn't. I am 85% sure that she saw my away message. She didn't say anything to me. But then again, I'm just assuming. Not just that, but I know she saw it in my profile the day after. Maybe she thought that since we understand each other that she didn't need to say anything to me. I'm not sure how I feel, all I know is everything that way I see, it's all different. Everything is different.
Tonight, I went to Polly's Pies with Nancy, Jaclyn, Sophia and June. Oh, I think those bad vibes I was getting from Jaclyn was due to something else. I remember there were about 2 times where I thought that Nancy was being annoying, but not in the everyday annoying that she gives me. It was different. I've never felt that way, it wasn't the good way annoying. It was more of a "that's so stupid" kinda annoying. All of Nancy's faults are starting to get to me. Which is really sad, because I know she can't change; she just doesn't try as hard as I do. In fact, I doubt she tries at much of what she does. Not just that but this is a pretty dangerous place in our friendship. I'm seriously in the danger zone and I'm wondering if I've passed the line. I'm really scared right now. I truly am. I don't know where to go... Of all the things to be scared of, this is probably one of the biggest. Because right now, every little bad stuff that she's done, does, or is, is starting to get on my nerves. Which is a saddening though, but it's true. I wish I knew where this was going... I'm so scared.
*KawaII*