Upon reading Brandon's diaryland, I finally realized what I've been complaining about all this time. See, I know you people are annoyed as it is that I'm constantly talking about Chris, not just that, but, I know that I shouldn't be talking about him, because I'm trying to get over him. Well, reading Brandon's diary, it's just different. He's completely honest and in a way, I feel like I know what he's going through. I so fucking hate this, because when I had my diary which I just write in, I didn't have to worry about this crap, because no one would read it. See, the problem I'm having now is, I'm not over Chris yet and I just continuously need to ramble on about him, though it's just really shit. I don't write crap for you to read it, I write it because it's the only way I can release everything that's going on, but I haven't been able to lately, 'cause all I think about is how you people that read this are gonna be so annoyed because "oh, here she goes again, rambling on about Chris. Booooring." The fact is, I don't write this for you, I do it for me. And another thing is, I just don't want you to realize that I still care and love Chris so deeply. It really sucks when you gotta deal with this all alone. What I know now, I may not be able to do, and I just can't let that happen. He still has feelings for me dammit, and I don't need that. He should just go get with Alyssa and just get out of my life, but then again, how can I do that? This is chris we're talking about. I mean, look at me, no matter how far I go, in the end I always go back to square 1. I'm just so sick and tired of it, you get to a point where it's just like, "Everyone, get the fuck away."

I'm sick and tired of Chris, and anything that has to do with him. I find it so funny, I joined drumline to be closer to him, but it's funny how that backfired, because that's one of the biggest things that's keeping us from each other. He still has things against me, I know it. I know it all started with drumline. We were doing okay dammit... and all of a sudden... How can the one thing that brings someone together tear them apart?

Being in love's a great feeling... but once you're out of it, it's like standing in snow with a shirt and shorts on. After awhile you get so numb, you can't feel. You get so weak, you can't think. Everything you see, you're not sure if it's real. Everything you feel, you're not sure if it's true. And the worse part of it is, there's nothing you can do to stop it. I don't know why it is that I do what I do. Sometimes I just want to evade. These remains of discontent from Chris is making me go numb. I'm not sure if I've gone far in my recovering. Everytime I think about some happy thoughts about him, I go crazy and want him back. I have this picture on my computer which I just love of him, because in it, it's like he's trying to tell me something. He looks so adorable (and you'll never hear me say that about him again) in it and everytime I look at it, it makes me sad, yet it fills up the hole in my heart. My heart doesn't skip a beat, but I know what that's like. I'm tired of talking about him, but I don't know what to do or how to move on. Pyramids weren't built in a day. I don't know what to do.

I'll be honest and to be frank, there's 2 things I want and 2 sides of it. Dream world wise, I want to be with Chris, but that's not reality and that's not what I should be going for, at least not now at this time, who knows how things will be like later, but for now... it's just not like that. In reality, what I want is just to be good friends, or if even possible, close friends. Alyssa got mad at me for calling Chris Wednesday. She said to me, "why'd you call my boyfriend last night?" or something like that. I asked Chris if he was with her and his words were, "she's claiming me." Knowing Chris, that's not a straight answer. So I don't know if they are together or not and I am not trusting Alyssa's words, I think she's kind of delusional when it comes to Chris. I wanted to say 3 things to her. 1- Why do you care who I call? I'm just calling 'cause he's my friend. 2- He's not your boyfriend (well, that's what my gut instinct would be saying). And 3- Even if he was your boyfriend, shouldn't you be a loyal girlfriend and trust him? And a comment would be "back off bitch"... but she had just turned around and walked off to 6th period before I could comprehend what she had just said. I was pretty happy that day and she didn't get me down. I was going to chemistry next and I thought about what she had said for the first few minutes of class since it had not started yet. After class started, I had forgotten all about it. I'm not the type to fight over a guy, but I'm fighting over a friendship. I'm not scared of Alyssa, but I'm not gonna fight her unless there's a really big need for it. She needs to learn to seriously back off, I mean I've never been nice to her, but I've never seriously been mean to her. Well, except like the one or two times I've pissed her off. Oh and she's gotten angry at me because I was with Chris and crap, but don't blame that on me, shit happens.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm sick and tired of rambling on about Alyssa too. Maybe it's time I just told her off for good. Or either that, talk to her and make it work. But the only thing is... I don't have nerves. I don't have the nerves to do a lot of things. All my thoughts flow free in my head, and they're really nice thoughts, the only problem is, it never happens, because that's all they are - thoughts. I can't make it real because I don't have the nerves to go up to Alyssa and diss her out or even talk to her nicely for that matter because I just don't have the nerves, that and I'm just not used to dissing people that aren't my friends because when I diss my friends, they know I'm just joking. I guess I'm just saying that I'm one of those people that "wouldn't hurt a fly," not literally of course, 'cause I've killed a fly before.

I am truly sick of this feeling I have inside of being nice to people when they don't deserve it. I once heard that the best way of getting rid of a fear is to be angry. Think of it this way: if you're scared of driving on the freeway really fast, then you wouldn't do that right? But imagine if you were angry and you didn't give a shit about anything out there. You don't care about anything then right? So why would you care about driving fast on the freeway, therefore you don't care and you would drive fast on the freeway, and it's like no one gives a shit, so why not? Get it? But I wish I had that much anger on her, because another one of my problems is that I'm inclined to always blame myself for everything, even if it's of little fault of my own. Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of it, but you know what? I can't change. This is the way I am. I'm nice, alright? I'm nice. I've believed that niceness and that stuff always pays off, I guess I still believe that. You just get so sick and tired of it. You start wondering if it would be better if you started bitching at everyone and no one gave a shit about you. People are always so quick to judge that they never hear the other side of the story. I'm pretty sure that Alyssa's got all of her friends "hating" me because of all the stuff she said about me. The funny thing is, I never talk about her. Well, I do, but I never diss her... except to Nancy, but I never say stuff like, "oh, she's such a bitch because she took Chris away from me... blah blah blah..." (though for the record, she DID NOT take chris away from me). The most I would say is "I think she's too desperate, I mean 'claiming Chris her's', I think that's pathetic." That girl does not know how to get rejected. I'm pretty annoyed right now and I wonder if she was here right now, if I would be able to lose these nerves so I could talk to her. I guess not just her, but Chris too. I don't have much nerves when it comes to talking to Chris either. I don't know how to change that though, there's nothing really I could do about it because I don't know how I'm possibly gonna change. Whenever I do get to talk to Chris (in person) I treasure it so much, because it so rarely happens. I'm so sick of hiding my feelings so from now on I'm just gonna say it all. I didn't decide to write in this because of you, I do it for me and if you don't want to read it, fine with me... I'm so tired of being the nice person. I'm always so nice when I shouldn't be, when it actually counts for something. It's sickening. I disgust myself.

*KawaII*