Life is good or so it seemes. But I don't want to get too comfy. Everytime something good happens, something bad's around the corner, bound to take over. I guess there's just a lot of stuff I want to talk you about because I've kept everything inside me for so long, but I've kept it inside cause I didn't want people to know... no, actually, that's wrong. I didn't want people to judge me by the decisions I have already made, because you'd think they are stupid and unwise. See, the thing is you wouldn't understand and what's worse than that, is that even though you don't understand, you don't support it. So I'm not sure what to tell you. I guess maybe I'm a hypocirt, because here I am going on about people judging me while I'm out there judging other people. It's human nature, I suppose. It's hard to find those few rare ones. It seems to me that everything is a repeated cycle, everything I say I mean.

Break the cycle? Love to. How? Je ne sais pas. All my life I've actually never been able to do something because this is me. I have this tendency to do what it takes for others to view me in certain ways, so much that I keep certain stuff to myself. This hasn't happened before, but it's starting to. The thing is, I didn't think it would happen to the people I thought it would.

I'm seriously considering locking this journal, because it might be the only way to finally give myself some air to breathe. If only I didn't have the fear gene.

I was reading the Fearless series (#22 - Fear), though I didn't finish it, it was still really good. Heather took some kind of shot to rid of the DNA for fear. It's scary what it is like without the fear gene. For one thing, she didn't care about anything at all. I mean, I guess I would like a taste of what it's like to not care about anything. I mean look at me, I care about everything... All I do is worry. I'm scared. I'm easily stirred and I'm not emotionally stable. What I need is to take a fearless shot and give me a vacation from what everyone thinks of me, from school, from family, from everyone that judges me, from everyone that hates me and even those that love me, because I guess you get to a point where you're just tired of pleasing them. See, what I need is a temporary misplaced fear gene so I know what it feels like it... just once. 'Cause I know that I can't live without my fear gene forever. I guess... I just want to stand out, maybe... no not maybe, for sure. But I would like a rest to. Being Anna 24/7 without a rest... it gets annoying, because Anna worries about everything. So if Anna could be like Gaia, Miss I-don't-give-a-shit-so-take-it-elsewhere, she'd want to... for a day, because Gaia, though has a bitchy life, has no fear gene and she could careless about school, friends, family and all that crap. Thank god for escape from reality. I just need the break, that temporary misplaced fear gene.