I finally got one thing straight. At least, I think I do. For awhile back when Chris was being nice, he talked to me like I'm the best thing that happened to him. I was talking to Nancy about this today and she thinks that I was. I guess I've thought about it, but I never accepted that that could be true, because I guess I didn't want myself to believe that. I can't say Chris won't have better things/people in his life. I mean, who's to say, right? Well one thing I know... Well, I would like to say one thing I know for sure, but I don't. I just think this, I think that I left a huge, damp, cold hole in Chris's life, heart and possibly soul (unless he claims he doesn't have one). I can't say that he's done the same to me. There is this empty feeling there, and I miss him a lot, but that's cause the Chris I knew, the Chris that existed when we were together and that nice Chris that was there for the past week, no longer exist. That was the guy I fell in love with, not that Chris that's mean, stubborn, spoiled and has to have everything his way.
I don't know why Chris is the way he is, and I'm not gonna go about chasing after possible reasons why something doesn't exist. If it doesn't exist, it's not gonna exist even if I find out why it doesn't exist. The truth is, I've been hanging on to the Chris that was, and I've been hoping that the present-day Chris would go back to that Chris that ceased to exist, but the thing is, it's not gonna happen. I've been over this repeated pattern ever since September. That's 3 months now. 1/4 of my year spent obsessing over the possibility of that nice Chris to exist. Just this past week though, when he did exist, that was probably the happiest week (with him) I've had since we broke up, because what I wanted, happened. But that's been taking away from me now. It's bitter, I tell ya. I don't know why it has to be this way, but now I know for sure.
The old Chris and the one I loved dearly ceases to exist. I have a deep aversion for whoever took that Chris away from me and I sense a bit of solitude, but I know I'm not, and it's true in the back of my head I feel some void, but I think that's normal. I know for sure that Chris can't change. People don't change in a day and Chris doesn't change in 3 months. I know there's still going to be some hope in the back of my head that he will change, but that's cause I still love him. True, I'll always love him, but the thing is I need to tell myself that the Chris I love is gone. And any hope that he might exist has to eventually vanish also, because I can't live the rest of my life hoping that Chris might change. That's not how I want to live. So from now on, I'm just going to erase that hope that Chris might change. If it so happens that Chris decideds to talk to me, then that's fine with me, if not, that's fine with me also, but I've already decided the Chris I love is gone forever, and no matter what he says from now on, Chris is just another guy. Just another guy...