Depression has found me yet again. Whoo hoo! Can you sense my dry sarcastic laughter? Don't you love it? Well, if you do, that makes one of us. I hate life. It seems like just a few months ago I couldn't be any happier, now I'm paying for it, cause this depression is biting me in the ass and I can't stand it. I can't even fucking take it. I hate it all. And you know why? All because of some dumb algebra grade. I fucking hate the way I am.
Just one little thing gets to me to have everything good going for me bad. Just one stupid little thing gets to me where I think I can't do anything at all. And the more something bad happens, the worse it gets. That's just the way it is with depression. The worse part is, once you're down there, down where you can't think of ways of getting out of there, you can't go up. You just can't. You have to struggle so much just to take one step. I feel so trapped and hopeless. I've cried 2 days in a row now and I felt like crying again today. I hate this algebra grade. It's affecting me too much.
The worst part is, there is no one there that's gonna tell me, "Oh, you're not worthless. You're just a little down and too hard on yourself." No one's gonna say that to me, or give me some useful advice, because 1- there probably is no useful advice and 2- no one can keep convincing me that I'm not worthless... at least not anymore. Nonexistant-Chris (NEC) was the only one that could do that, because he was stubborn. I would say I'm worthless and no matter how much I would go on thinking like this trying to convince him, he never thought I was worthless so, in the end, he'd always make me see the good stuff about me. But, NEC is gone now. It's dangerous how when something you need is taken away from you, you just can't take it.
This depression is one of biggest ones yet, it's so much harder because it's not just about the algebra grade, it's that I have no one that's gonna help me get through it. And it's so much harder once you get a taste of what it's like for someone to help you get through it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so helpless. Everything is so fucked up. I wish I could hide under my covers so I don't have to wake up or even get up for that matter. I want to hide from the world. I mean it's ridiculous when you think about it, cause I'm whining over a math grade, but this is the way I am. I don't know what to do. I'm just not someone that gives up, but dammit it, this is pushing my limits. How long can one person stand it? I feel like my head's going to explode. I'm going to kill myself if this depression doesn't kill me.
[[goodbye to you]]