So I heard from Andre that he thinks Alyssa and Chris are together because he saw them kissing, I think ... Well, surprisingly, I didn't feel angered, or jealous, or anything for that matter. I felt... absolutely nothing. This thought lingered in my head for awhile and it took me about 10 minutes before a thought occured to me. Chris told me that he hadn't kissed Alyssa back when they were together for those 10 days. And then I thought, "haha, I kissed him before you did," Which I found odd that I didn't think that in the first place. So that must mean that I don't care as much as I used to. Then I thought some more on the subject, but yet, I still could not come around to realize that I feel... whatever it is I feel.
I thought a bit more about this during Chemistry. Yet, I couldn't come up with a thought about how I felt still. It didn't make any sense to me. I guess maybe the fact is that I don't care anymore. Not enough to get jealous over it anyway. Though funnily enough, if it was Zuri, that'd be different. I guess it's 'cause I don't think it'd work out between Chris and Alyssa anyway, that and I feel sorry for Alyssa as it is, being that she's been after Chris for over 3 years. I think... I think I'm glad that Chris is giving her this chance for Alyssa, because I think Alyssa deserves it. I guess that's a funny though, but that must be how I feel since I do not feel any jealousy or anger... or anything.
Remember a long time ago, I had an entry called, "a reason"? The statement that everythihg happens for a reason? This is what I've concluded about Chris. I got a chance to be with Chris because I deserved it. I didn't do anything wrong and so life was treating me with it's rewards... in this case, the form of Chris. But that was only because life knew that I wanted Chris. So life was kind enough to give it to me for a short while, because I, myself, and life both knew that we needed Chris, at least, in those few months of my life. Chris was my temporary support. But the truth is, Chris is not THE ONE, and I do not need his support anymore. That is why the Chris I had, is gone. That was the only reason Chris existed. He existed to fullfill what he needed for me, and now that he's finished, there's no need for him to exist in my life. As I struggled last week, I thought I need Chris's support so badly, but I was wrong. I don't need him. I survived just fine. I don't need anyone, but myself.
I wish Chris all the happiness that life can give him, because he has helped me in so many ways, and in more ways than I needed him. So, though I don't think it'll last, if Chris is happy with Alyssa, than good for him. Though for Alyssa, I hope she'll be alright when ("if") she loses Chris.
This layout is entitled to my month of giving up of Chris... 'cause see, all those months of repeating... back to hating you and liking you... just doesn't work for me... "I want you, but I'm not giving in this time." Well, Chris, goodbye to you. "You were the one I loved."
[[goodbye to you]]