i know i've talked about this subject a lot, but i keep thinking about it. there's even differnet parts to the happiness. i've always thought that ppl deserved to be happy. that it's not just there when you want it to. but then i look at zuri (no offense to her) and i wonder what she is so happy about. she is a regular Jamie Sullivan (from "A walk to remember" by nicholas sparks). not that i'm saying she carrys around a bible all day and her father is a minister and her mom is dead or anything, but she is just always happy and sometimes i guess i could see it in her view, which is the "what's there to be sad about?" i know she is mad/angry/sad sometimes but in my opioin that is rare. and i guess i would just like to be as happy as she is. but we all know that i've been through too much crap to view it like that. but anyway, i'm getting off-topic. i guess i am just wondering if happiness is really deserved. i mean, what have i done that is so wrong to make me deserve this misery? okay, so i did some illegal things, but it's not my like everyone is that much of a goody goody. i know my dad isn't. and he's supposed to be my role model? yeah right. he can kiss my ass. anyway, i'm just saying that if i deserve this much misery, surelly there must be something i did that was totally wrong, and i guess i just wish i knew what it was. but then i wonder if that's true. mayeb happiness is sought for. like you have to name what makes you happy and just go for it. but then there's so little things that could possibly make me happy. and in those few things, partically all of them is not possible... let's go down the list...

1) i want a boyfriend, but see i dont want one also becuz if i get one then i will be constantly scared that i will fall in love again, which will get me to be scared at my guy and therefore drift apart from him and it woud never work out so by getting a boyfriend i will only cause myself pain, which is the oppostite of happiness. the only exception i would consider is someone really quiet and doesn't talk much. but then again, i dont like it when ppl don't talk much so that will make me miserable too. so that wont work. so boyfriend or no boyfriend? this is just like me...

2) money. enough to get by anyway. my dad gives me 2 dollars a day and he's fucking cheap, so i have had to save money by lunch money! before i used to ask him money for going to the movies, and usulaly he didnt' give me enough money. so i started saving my own money. he knows i do that, cuz he said it once, "what do you do with all this money i give you everyday?" (meaning the lunch money, and i just think like you give me enough money!) but i dont answer him. i dont say anything. then i get outta the car and go to school without another though. and he's never said anythign about it again. so see, he's just dumb and he can't control me. but anyway, i need money. so waht's a girl to do? jack money that's what. i'll bet in my lifetime i have jacked over 500 bucks from them. but i'm okay with it. i realize they suck ass and they always will, so they pay me back with their money. it's just that when i jack money, i feel guilty. so if i had enough money and it was given to me that would make me happy. but they will never give me enough money becuz they are cheap and so i will never have enough money. so there's another blow.

3) a car. yes, that'll make me happy too. but i'm not allowed to drive yet so i dont do anything about it. i need a permit in order to drive and so nothing i can do about that yet...

so tell me somethign i can do that'll make me happy...