Upon talking to Chris. Here are a few things that I'll talk about today. I was rather annoyed when Chris IMed me, because I always think, "what does he want now?" The last time he IMed me, he directly connected and then took my IP number. So I said, "hi" and then, "bye" and he responded, "dont act hard, i just IM you to say whats up." I still was not in the mood to open to him. Our conversation was boring. Then a few minutes of silence and then...

VirusLIVED: so
VirusLIVED: .....
da r kang el z5: why are you trying with this conversation?
VirusLIVED: huh?
da r kang el z5: why did you decided to talk to me?
VirusLIVED: y not
VirusLIVED: lol
da r kang el z5: cause besiedes today, you haven't in a very long time
VirusLIVED: well u run away like a lil girl when im near u
VirusLIVED: so i cant talk t u

I still wasn't ready to open up yet. The conversation got interesting. Then I found out that I'm still mad at Chris... for a number of reasons. Some of them I'm not even sure what about. All I know is that I'm still angry at him. Mostly because he treats me differnet and how he didn't use to be like that. Chris says he hasn't and he's still the way he is.

VirusLIVED: well, if im not what you thought i waz, then quit being hurt
VirusLIVED: that makes no sence
da r kang el z5: i cant because i miss who i thought you were too much
VirusLIVED: well, who said its not me?
da r kang el z5: because you're not like that anymore, and youo can't be anyway
VirusLIVED: i aint?
VirusLIVED: i act like myself anna,
VirusLIVED: i dont put on shows for people
VirusLIVED: its myself, i aint no fake
da r kang el z5: i'im not saying you don't act yourself
da r kang el z5: i'm saying that you don't act like the way you used to towards me
VirusLIVED: yeah you are
VirusLIVED: you said thats not what i use to be
VirusLIVED: im myself
da r kang el z5: well, i meant that's not how youo used to act
VirusLIVED: same shit
VirusLIVED: either way you put it
VirusLIVED: i dont change like that
VirusLIVED: you think i just lost all feeling or something
VirusLIVED: ?
da r kang el z5: no i didn't say that
VirusLIVED: like my heart fell out of my ass or something?
da r kang el z5: i'm saying your feelings changed, and so your actionso changed
da r kang el z5: actions*
VirusLIVED: not really, i got with alyssa, so now you think i hate you and she does
VirusLIVED: wtf
da r kang el z5: NO! I NEVER SAID YOU HATED ME
da r kang el z5: i said your actions were different
VirusLIVED: thats how you make it seem
da r kang el z5: you treat me ..
VirusLIVED: you make it seem like im out to get you
da r kang el z5: sometimes it does seem that way
VirusLIVED: allright then
VirusLIVED: well i dont

How lovely that ended up to be, huh? I guess it's not just that there's other reasons for it...

da r kang el z5: i dont like this
VirusLIVED: ?
da r kang el z5: i don't nkow why we try
VirusLIVED: you dont like what?
da r kang el z5: you think something's gonna change?
VirusLIVED: yeah
da r kang el z5: what do you think will change"?
VirusLIVED: maybe you will open your eyes, and quit thinking this world is against you
da r kang el z5: But that's just it i guess
VirusLIVED: you judge the world and the world is going to judge you anna

What he said really hit me. My biggest fear is this: the world turning against me. Where everyone hates me. I feel this need to partly be someone I'm not because I have this fear that people will dislike who I am. Sometimes, I really wish that I was ignorant, so I wouldn't have this fear. This obsession to become perfect has destoryed me, I'm living proof of it. I mean, look at me. I'm sitting here typing about me, being stupid and hypocritical and trying to make amends of all the errors I've done, YET AGAIN, and in the end, I feel like no one noticed and no one gives a shit. I'm pathetic, for god's sake. But yet, this fear of the world turning against me, I can't fight it off. I can't. This is just who I am, and I really hate what I've become.

da r kang el z5: i do think that people are agasint me
VirusLIVED: yeah you do
da r kang el z5: I don't like it
da r kang el z5: I feel like a failure when people dislike me
da r kang el z5: like i've done something wrong
VirusLIVED: i dont dislike you
da r kang el z5: I know you don't
VirusLIVED: and you did nothing wrong
da r kang el z5: then why do people dislike me?
VirusLIVED: they dont
da r kang el z5: surely i did somethign wrong for that to happen
da r kang el z5: yes they do
da r kang el z5: alyssa doesn't like me
VirusLIVED: you dont even
VirusLIVED: know
da r kang el z5: well she finds me annoying
VirusLIVED: you act like you know her
da r kang el z5: i dont know her
VirusLIVED: when you dont know shit about her
VirusLIVED: she doesnt hate you and she doesnt dislike you
da r kang el z5: so you're saying she doesn't dislike me?
VirusLIVED: she dislikes how you judge her

So I take it that's key. Alright then, I do judge. I guess I'm just human and I judge too much. So here it goes: the truth and everything that I think of Alyssa. At first I thought Alyssa was ignorant, stubborn, and hypocrtical. Here's what's wrong with this thought. I don't know her. I supposed I had to have some judgement of her and well, I guess I made one of her. The hypocritical part about this is that the judgement was based on my anger for Chris. Instead of taking my anger out on Chris, I took it out on her. I said she was ignorant because Chris is an asshole and she doesn't see that. I said she's stubborn because she wont give me a chance. And I said she's hypocritical for a number of reasons. The only thing with this is that they're all wrong. I don't know Alyssa. And the truth is, I'm too ignorant, too stubborn, and way to hypocritical to admit that. But that's the truth. Is Alyssa ignorant, stubborn, and hypocritial? I don't know. You tell me. So from now on, no more talk of Alyssa on here, unless she decides to be friends or something like that.

VirusLIVED: but when you make a site, your supose to think in your head, that everyone will read it
VirusLIVED: so you better whach what you say
VirusLIVED: you know what i mean?
da r kang el z5: yeah
VirusLIVED: thats probably one of the most important

I do know. This has been on me for a very long time. I've thought about locking my diary, but what's the point then? The thing is, I come here to vent. To yell at people, to say "go to hell." That's what a diary is. A place you can ramble on about crap and no one gives a shit. But that's not the case because people I talk about reads this and sometimes what I have to say gets them mad. So really, my 2 choices are: talk about them and get them mad, or not talk about them and let myself crack from keeping too much feelings inside. I hate this.