i know i should write about my birthday but i figure what's the point? no need to talk about it really, it was fun, something i'll remember, one of the good times. but it can't be written down here, becuz it's up in my mind. and i'm not the type to do something like that for no reason.
here's something interesting for you... if you must know the truth about everything: here it is. the most interesting week was probably last last week... it was the night before, meaning sunday, and chris was talking on and on about what's her name. i could kinda relate to what chris was talking about, becuz, truth be told, i had a crush on jason. actually, i'm not even sure if i did. see, i've liked jason on and off ever since about the end of 8th grade. there were a few times when i thought i was over him for good, but you know how that turned out. i liked him again. that's why i could relate with what chris was talking about. anyway, then chris said something like well, look at how it turned out between us two, you dont wnat that to happen to you and jason do you? i guess i didn't really think about that. i mean, i've liked jason, yeah, but i didn't know. going out with him? for some reason even saying it sounded weird to me. well, anyway, eventually chris and i came up with this promise thing. i was supposed to ask jason out and he was supposed to ask what's her name. anyway, i did my part and jason said no. i am partly relieved, cuz i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do if he said yes. so yeah, you could kind say that i was happy with his decision. but that's not a normal reaction. but i'm starting to think about it, and i'm wondering if it was just that all this time, i liked him, but i counldn't get over him becuz i kept thinking there was a chance between us. i never really thought that in my head, but maybe some part i didn't know about did think that way. i'm not sure. but i'm over jason now, and i'm happy about it. i just hope it's for good. cuz i dont like this repeated pattern.
The funny thing is, the night before on thursday. chris told me that he used to like me. i kinda had a feeling he did. the even funnier thing is that i liked him at that time too. i'm not sure, but i think sometimes i still do like chris. but i know what kind of person he is, and i know he wouldn't go with my personality. i need the attention and he wouldn't give it to me constantly. i've accepted that fact, but for some reason sometimes i still fall for him. what i don't get is why. i mean, what's so great about him. sometimes i think maybe i'm just addicted to the funnes of him. that i get this surge of high. it makes me feel like i can do anything i want. makes me feel suprior and i can do whatever. and i feel daring and crazy and i want to take risks. i know that's a bad sign for me as i shouldn't go doing that kinda of think. those things are addicting for me and i know that sometimes i would give up everything to have that high feeling all the time. but being daring is stupid sometimes. just that i dont want to care about that part. maybe i'll never fully get over chris, but that's okay. cuz i dont care. i know chris is over me, or if he isn't he has a good way of covering it. but i know it doesn't matter cuz even if we did like each other again, what difference would it make?
*~AnNa