my answer? i dont have an answer. i guess that's my biggest problem - that i view everything pessimisticlly now. to tell the truth, i somewhat dont like viewing it that way, but i think i do somewhere in there. the thing is, i've always wanted to be someone... not me. i mean, there's nothing wrong with me, but see, that's what gets me down - there's nothing wrong with me. it gets so much to a point where i almost think, "i wish i had leukimia" (or some other kind of awful diease/cancer). this obsession of wanting to stand out has made me view everything pessimistically. i know to want to wish you had leukimia is not only one of the dumbest things, but it's also suicide. it's not just that. see i've viewed pain as something good. becuz i think that if i have more pain, i will stand out. the i wont be just another person with normal amount of pain, but so massive that i would be considered "special". but that's stupid becuz i couldn't beat the most massive pained person there is. so i bring myself pain. i meant, besides that pain always finds me, i also go looking for it. becuz pain makes me happy.
it's not just to be "special", but also that i also want sympathy. i know i've always said that i can't stand ppl that pitied me. but i think it's a lil differnet here. i mean pitied as in ppl can't look at me. and i guess ppl should look at me like that. becuz how can anyone look at me? i want to kill myself for attention. even i can't look at myself. it's not normal to have these kinds of feeling. but i think the whole reason this happened was becuz it was building up inside. one of the biggest difference between me and my brother is that he always talks and i am always quiet with my family... like this one day we were coming back from the library... it was me, my dad, and my brother. there were these tourist that wanted me to take a picture for them. so i did. after i get into the car to go home, my brother had a toy in his hand and he asks me, "do you know who this is?" i mumbeled no. and my dad said "of course she doesn't" at first i was like "huh?" but then i reailze he was tlaking abuot those tourist i took a picture of. then my brother got mad and growled (grrr). and then my dad was like, "gosh, i can't say anything now? why aren't you more like your sister?" then he growled again. but see the thing is, me and my family dont talk. so i guess it shuoldn't surprise you that they dont remember my bday. the only reason my dad rememebrs my brother's bday is becuz he always tells him. he tells them it's his bday and what he wants for his bday and that kinda stuff. but i never say anything. this is how i see it: if they know it's my bday, if they care that it's my bday, they'll say something. i guess it's just that i dont like asking things from them. esp not from my dad. becuz he sighs in such a way that it's like you're asking him if you could borrow 5,000 dollars (like when you're 29 and he's 61, i mean). i feel like i'm asking for too much so i stopped asking completely. so i guess i never got enough comfort or attetion from them. i think becuz of this, i have look from other ppl to give me comfort and attetion, so much that i go looking for it in such desperate ways as to wanting luekimia.
i just have to accept the way they are and move on. i've been like this for a while and nothing's changed between my family or my friends. i guess the truth is i'm tired of looking for pain. to all honesty - i dont like pain. so why do i have to suffer more than i already have? i'm tired of being like this. it's not like i have to act like zuri (i think she's just happy for no reason sometimes), but that doesn't mean that i can't honestly be happy. i mean really. life is unfair. the world sucks. ... what's so bad about it? ...NOTHING. so i know what's wrong with me. now i just gotta view it differently. but here's the truth: life does suck sometimes, and everything is unfair, but it's becuz of the fact that we never notice anything that IS fair that makes us think that life is unfair. not everything can go your way, and sometimes you have to accept it. like now, for me.
dont expect for me to change ASAP, but i'll try to live better. i dont have to be happy about everything, but i shouldn't be sad about everything...