I�ve been going back to my old quote which is �it�s easy to discover someone else�s true self, the hardest person to discover when it comes to one�s true self is you, yourself�E That�s a quote I made up a long time ago. And I still agree with it. Even me, I know myself pretty well�Ebut I know there are thoughts in which I�m not familiar with. And lately I�ve been thinking about how Chris and I are a lot alike in some weird way, I don't know how to say it. Sure Chris and I are totally different, but it�s this thing, I don't know how to explain it�Elike we�re connected in some weird way�Ebut we act different you know? We think alike but act different. That�s probably the closest I could come up with as to what I�m trying to say. The thing I just want to point out is that I can figure out what Chris is thinking and what�s on his mind due to him using specific words during specific time. And I can predict what he would say�Esee, I know him better than he knows himself, and more than I know myself.
I�ve been thinking a lot more about what Jason said, the not caring thing. I guess what it comes down to is this. Everyone cares. And I mean even someone like Chris�Ehe may not seem like it, but I know so. But see it�s just how much you care. The thing is, I�ve cared. It�s just that it�s not the little things I care about, because I am not the type to notice those kinds of little things. I notice things that either makes no sense and just pop up or I actually try to study them. Those are the only little things I care about. But the huge biggie things, I�ve always took careful consideration under and I would look at it from every degree that my head would hurt and so much as to a point where I would convince myself so well (as long as anyone else, as long as they are not super stubborn) that I would be in between what I was thinking where it�s 50/50 unlike the 90/10 it started out with. But in the end this is what always happens. I let it go. And I don�t mean like I just forget the whole thing and don�t make a decision�EI make the decision based on the other person. Finally, I just confront everything and from there I make my decision based on how I would make them happy, because in my head everyone comes before me. The only time that would ever happen is if it�s a little thing and I didn�t realize it, because I�ve been treated this way, I feel like this is the way to go and that other people are more important than me. I know for a fact that I probably seem very confident and all that stuff. I agree to myself that I an be confident at certain things, but I know my limits and I am not as confident as I am seem. I wish I knew everything instead of acting like I knew everything, because see, I don�t. I just like to act confident, as in like hoping maybe people will look up to me and maybe then I will get confident myself, and maybe then it would be that I could think that I�m not a worthless person. Maybe that�s really weird to think because I know most people don�t think that I would ever thing that about myself, but it�s true. One of the deepest thoughts is that I always think that maybe one day I will just be worthless, like I�m just a nobody and no one cares about me. It doesn�t seem that way, but I know that nothing is predictable. Sometimes I wish that I could look into my future so then I could stop worrying about it or thinking about it.
I think the whole thing with Zuri being mad at me is just plain weird. I have this certain thing about the whole fighting with Zuri thing. Honestly, I don�t like being the person that keeps bringing it up, because it makes it seem like all I do is complain about her�Ebut that�s not the deal. It�s just that I don�t feel a certain closure until I end to someone, even if it�s an online journal. So here�s how I think about the whole thing. I found out why she was mad at me. It�s because of the fact that I asked her about her, Angela and Sharon getting in trouble. She thinks that I�m not really her friend because I never talk to her and all of a sudden I was trying too hard to be friends with her where therefore makes me someone who was never her friend. Okay, I know that doesn�t make sense. It made a lot more sense in my head, but I just don�t have good wording for this I guess. I suggest that if you want to know what it is that you ask her yourself. I�m just here to tell you my opinions, hopefully without cussing. Okay, at first I was laughing when I heard this because that was totally the opposite of what I was trying to do. See, I never really cared about what happened. If I really wanted to know then I would find other ways to find out. In fact, I could care less if she didn�t tell me. the only reason I asked her about the story in the first place, was so we could have some kind of friendship-flow thing going on between us you know? We just had that big fight thing, so I wanted to kind of make up for it by trying to have conversation with her and since she just happened to be talking about that, I decided to go along with it, but she turns my perfectly good intentions into crap (sorry, that�s the only word I could think of). But anyway, it just gets me to thinking. I mean, this is the second time something like this has happened. I think she is a bit over sensitive or either she just wants to have some kind of enemy going on. I mean I still recall her complain about Sharon and then being friends again and then getting mad at her again. I mean, it�s like if I stay friends with her, it�ll just be a continuing cycle, and really, I don�t like cycles. Plus, I will always be the one apologizing. Just like I was almost about to today. I mean, my intentions were good and everything and she just took it the wrong way, but then I was like, what�s the point? I mean for one thing she�ll just start asking me questions and I got to answer them and make her believe again that I�m her friend. Do I really want to go through all this crap each and every single time? Let�s just admit the fact that she can�t stand me and I can�t stand her. I don't know why she is trying. She tries too hard and she really needs to relax. I mean, she assumes that just because we�re not friends that means NO TALKING. I mean, that�s crazy! Maybe I�m jealous of her or whatever, and why not? I guess I would have reasons to be jealous of her, but the only reason I can think of is that she�s so loved by everyone, and I guess the deal is�EWhy does everyone love her so much? and I guess the counter question would be why not? But I guess I just with that everyone could see it from my view. It�s like I�m the only one that could see through her. I mean, right now, she�s probably still complaining about me and shit (oops�Eh oh well) but you know what? I don�t see the deal? I mean we�re not friends but why is she ignoring me like that? She�s obviously mad at me and for what? Something I did out of good intention? But you know what? I�m tired of caring for people who doesn�t even care about me back. �Don�t say it if you don�t mean it�E(one of my other quotes). I would only apologize to keep a peace, but there�s never going to be permanent peace, just temporary. So why bother apologizing now? And plus, I have no reason to apologize. It�s time that someone has slapped that bitch up her face and make her realize that not everything goes her way. And I�m sorry I have to use such cruel words, but it�s the only words I can use without saying it in the worst possible way. And I know if Zuri saw this right now, she�ll be all up in my face tomorrow or dissing me out to her friends, I guess that�s fine with me. In fact, I would love to see her start talking shit about me, because to tell you the truth really, I am shit and I am bitch too, but at least I can admit that.
I know I am being harsh on Zuri, and I know that I�m partly to blame for that. our personalities just don�t go with each other for one thing, but the main thing is that Zuri is very stubborn. And I know what�s her response to this comment, but that�s my opinion, Zuri�s stubborn. See, she refuse to accept the fact that I know when I am right about something, because in her view it�s wrong. That last fight we had about being selfish. I am only selfish in some ways, and the way she was talking about, I was not considered selfish, but I knew selfish is an adjective and not all adjectives are true, most are opinion words. Like the word pretty, gutsy, nice, kind, bratty, mean. They�re all opinion type word. And selfish is one of them. But you know what she says me being an opinion is a fact�Eait�Efuck I am getting off topic. Forget what I said. Anyway, I�m just saying that she refuses to accept what is true, because everything has to go her way. Maybe she doesn�t get her way at home or something, or maybe it�s just that if either of us had our own ways, then one of us wouldn�t be here. We can�t always have our ways, and I�m cool with that, but for Zuri, I think that�s expecting too much of her. In a way, I kind of feel sorry for her, cause if this is her attitude in life, she�ll find herself a rude awakening one day.