my brother got a playstation today, it's old/used, but he has one... he's so spoiled. and he doesn't even deserve any of it. i dont feel sorry for him at all. oh well, at lesat it had some okay games in there. i found corno trigger and chorno cross. maybe i'll play it if i'm not busy or i have nothing better to do. but of course, considering how i'm always online, i highly doubt that'll happen. oh well...
i could talk about my mom now i guess.. cuz that's the main reason for this... when my mom came back, she seemed okay, and kinda happy almost, but i didn't think anything was right. like she was holding her anger or somethign. which i was right about. becuz she kinda was. but then after that bad thing that happened on friday (i'm not saying what) she yelled at me like crazy and screamed at me. and she even cried... at least that time i stood up for myself, but it didn't work. i said that i wanted her to leave me alone... but she said no. it's like one of those quotes... "as long as you live under my roof you'll obey my rules..." she even said if you dont like it i could leave. of course, she was bluffing, if i really did try to leave i know the exact words she would say, "are you stupid? where would you go? who would want you? and i guess she has a point. so i didn't leave like that... instead i just sat there and took her other insults about how i had screwed everything up again. can you tell that i'm used to this? then one thing she said kinda surprised me "you dont like me do you?" it surprised me one, that she realized, and two, she had the guts to say it. i just said ot her "i want to like you" while i burst into tears. cuz the truth is, i do want to like her. but she makes it so goddamn hard. it's like she doesn't want to be liked in a way. and i guess that's just her and that's the way things are. so i guess the point of it, is that i'm tired of trying. i've tried to be perfect for her, but i'm not and i'm tried of trying to be something i can't. i like the way i am, and if she doesn't like me she can deal with it.
the worst part to all this is that i want to hit myself for what happened. now she's got me doing chores and shit and i have one last chance at anything. i mess up and she's making me quit everything. drumline, mystikal. she said she'll even make me go to cerritos or something like that. so she's really dead seroius about this. so i'll listen to her, but i'm not going to pretend that i like it. i'm tired of pretending. it's time she got a taste of her own medicine. she doesn't like me the way i am now, i can get a lot worse. i hope she rots in her life. i wish she wasn't around here to boss me all day long. i think i am fine the way things are. i dont really do anything, but at least i dont bother them ppl... the worse part is, my mom has control over everything, and now my dad has to listen to my mom, so he's been tagging along to everywhere i go too. i am so sick and tired of all this shit. she's lucky she can treaten but i hope she realizes that once i mess up and she takes away everything from me, she wont have any control over me. becuz she has nothing left to treathen me with. and if that's the case, then i can do whatever i want then. she's sorta grounded me... i can't go out anywhere unless it's to go to school... and other activities. nancy can come over to my house, but i can't go out to the movies or whatever, i wonder how much longer this is going to last. i almost want to jack another 100 bucks from them. they deserve it. do i believe in god? yes, i believe god is here to punish me.
**Lanie Lourel AKA *~AnNa