Monday, when i woke up i felt like crap. and it wasn't like i was lazy and didn't a shower the night before kind of crap. it was the one where i woke up and i'm just annoyed at nothing in particular. it's like this itch that you want to scratch, but no matter how hard you scratch the itch is still there. that's what it felt like for me. and i wasn't even sure why. the first thought that came to my head was asking why i was alive again. of course, even if no reasons did come up it wasn't like i was going to pull the trigger like that.

i am really at a desperate point right now, becuz my mom doesn't understand and i wish so so so SO much that she could. i wish i could tell her everythign, but if i did that, she'll just yell at me, she wouldn't see it the way i do, and things would get worse. i know i'm better off hating my mom for the rest of my life, but for some reason i can't do it. she's just one of those munipulitive ppl that get to you even though they dont even try to do anything. and she just gets to me like that, becuz of her fairness (or her trying to be fair) and etc. sometimes, i want to be exactly like her, while other times i would kick myself for thinking that. she's not a bad mom or anything... she just doesn't get it. i mean, she trys, i know she does. but as far as i can see things are pretty much hopeless... so i just wish that i could just let this whole thing go so i could move on. if my mom really know who i was... i'd be a total stranger... i really wish there was another way...

i have a cold right now... of course you're thinking... so? but the thing is i never get colds. like maybe once a school year, but this year... i can count 3 colds at the top of my head... and i'm sure there's more. i just had a cold last month. and i have one now... what does tell me? MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE IS GOING CRAZY yep, that pretty much sums it up. even now as i type these words out, i feel like i'm being slanted or something, becuz i have a headache... i'm so tired of the way i am living... i guess it's okay to be busy, but this is crazy...

the other day while my dad was sending me to school, you know what he said? he said that i was always busy... and then he added that i was busier than he was... then he was like... how late do you sleep? how do you still manage to wake up on time? and it just pretty much hit me... becuz my well being is bad, i have a cold. i remember now back in november, i had this huge toothache that was caused on by stress... and this was way back in the beginning of the year like when marching band was going around... and everything was hectic and shit too... and i guess the thing is, my mental being really affects my physical being. and i wish it wasn't like that becuz i'm always stressed.

it's weird cuz i know some ppl would love to trade places with me, but in my mind i want to explode, becuz right now, i hate myself. i hate who i am, i hate how things get to me and how i always screw everything up. and how what i want the most, i could never have. mostly i hate what i've become - a stupid ass whiner that does nothing but complain all day. and i wish it didn't have to be this way. i really did. but i can't change who i am. so while i sit here doddling on the hopeless, most ppl are probably stress free and relaxing themselves. and i wish... so much... that i knew what it was like to just relax and to let it all go out.

i just wish i was happy. and with the way i'm living... i'm not happy. i'm like this work-alcoholic or something and i don't work. i need to start making some major adjustments... i'll take what i have and see what i can do with it... but i wonder if it'll be like this for the rest of my life... what a bunch of BS...