First thing... It was around July or August I believe... That's when Denysia said that she "fuckin hated" me. I felt really bad about it and it wasn't until now that I had the courage to apologize to her. Well, maybe courage isn't the right word... because well... in a way, I didn't want to apologize to her. Because apologizing to her might include forgiveness and I didn't want to be forgiven. Maybe I should've apologized to her and make her feel better, but I couldn't let myself be forgiven. I don't know why I thought this, but I just do...
Then I realized how similar things had been between Nancy and I and Denysia and I. The thing was Denysia thought that I didn't give a damn about the friendship... maybe I didn't at the time because I was at a time where I couldn't deal with everything going on, but I look back now and I really regreat it. I keep talking about how I get taken advantage, well that's kind of what I did to Denysia.
I wrote this in her guestbook:
you know who this is... you hate me remember? well i don't know if you still do but i thought i'd try. i don't even know if you are gonna go all out and even read what the crap i have to say, but i thought i'd try. i guess you're probably wondering why i decided to sign this after all this time. to tell you the truth i don't know either. i guess i was just thinking about you this second so i thought i'd wonder over to what denysia has been up to. i was surprised to find that i wasn't on your "can't stand them" list. i guess i have some explaining to do... well, i have changed a lot in the past, but i don't really expect you to understand about that, but during this time of change, you have come up a lot and i kept wondering why i never apologized and this is why. i wanted you to hate me. because i know i have mistreated you and i've upset you and taken advantage of you too. why did i do it? because i didn't realize i did it. but looking back now, i realized the same thing happened between nancy and i. you might be surprised to find that things have changed drastically between us. then i thought what i wanted to from nancy... so this is what i would've wanted. an explination, so here i am giving you one. i never meant to hurt you on purpose. and i am sorry, and i also want to thank you. thanks for everything. oh and i also wanted to add. i don't really care if i find out if you forgave me or not... the only reason i signed this, was for you to know. what you do with what i said is up to you. oh and just in case you want to hear it, you're right: chris is an asshole. all i ask for from you is to do with your heart says to do. whatever makes you happy. if being happy means hating me. i'm glad. if being happy means forgiving me. i'm glad too.
She responded with:
Ok, just to let you know, yeah I was pissed off at you for some time, but after a while I gave that up. I guess the reason I was pissed off at you was that you and Nancy kept stuff from me. It bothered me that you never called me and it was always me having to call you guys. Then Nancy would make up some lame ass excuse and that would irritate me. Then I had to hear things about you guys from Kelly. And then I would be like, what the?? You guys didn�t bother to talk to me about anything. You left me in the dark for so long and that pissed me off. Yeah I tried to stay in contact but I felt as if it was always a one way connection. As if I was the one always having to call you guys and not the other way around. Then a few weeks ago I sort of saw you, well not exactly I couldn�t really see your face but I knew you were there, and I just thought, man what would have happened if we had stayed friends. I mean I think about it when I don�t really want to. I think about what would have happened if I had gone to Garh instead of CHS. Then we would still be friends, but I wouldn�t have met all my friends here and I wouldn�t have meet Dan. It sucks doesn�t it? When you pick a destiny over another? When you think about what could have happened�Eit makes you think twice about the consequences. Well I just want you to know, that yeah I forgave you over the year. But I think that Kelly hasn�t. She still might be mad at you and Nancy. I don�t know why. She once asked me if I had stayed in contact with you and I said no, then she said that she didn�t either and that was that. I didn�t want to ask too many questions and so I didn�t. Well if it makes you feel any better about us being friends, I forgave you. BLAH BLAH you get the message.
I was IMing her for awhile then we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes. Her voice hasn't changed one bit and it's good to hear from her. Her life has changed a lot, but her personality's still the same. I never realized that I've actually missed her. It fells like something from a dream... She's gonna call me tomorrow so we'll talk then. You know, I really want to talk to Lydia now. I really miss her too...