I suppose that when most people look at me, I already know what they think of me. Most likely, what they think of me is not right. Even back when I was in 8th grade or even when I was in 7th grade, people have never been able to think about me exactly right. I guess what I�m saying is that you can�t judge me by how I look. Early this year, I found out from Robert that most of the popular people thought I was a wannabe mostly because of the fact that I wanted to be like them or something. To tell you the truth, I can�t stand those popular people. I don�t really believe in popular people to begin with but I think you know which people I am talking about. I�m just trying to point out that for that to begin with, was totally wrong. Sure what Robert said definitely hurt me, but it was because I didn�t want to be known as that because that�s not me, but you can�t just make it known like that, I guess. One of the most hurtful things I can still remember is a letter from Jennifer Prins. She was my friend in 7th grade, but she wrote this to me before 8th grade started. It said (in the exact words, because I have the actual letter):

4 Anna

u r like the lamest person I have ever met. Nobody even likes u, they just pretend 'cause they want more friends than enemies. Don�t try 2 tell meeh that nobody likes me. how many people have called you this summer? Let me guess none! So many people have called me. how many times have u been out this summer? Let me rephrase that, how may times have u been invited out? I�m not making this up either. Everybody wants 2 hang with denysia but u always get in the way. Everybody calls u a bider, tagalong, dork lamo, stupid.

Even to this day, it hurts. I know what I know and I don�t need to convince anyone else it�s true, but it hurts. There�s people I think that are losers and mean ass bitches and people I will never get along with, but I have and never will do something like Jennifer did. I never did anything to her, and if she didn�t want to be friends with me, I would rather have her tell me than write me a stupid letter like that, but my point is that no one knows me (with an exception of some people), sometimes I don�t think I know myself and I guess that�s a normal thing because you�ve known yourself for far too long. You may think I know Nancy really well or something, but because I�ve never "studied�" her, sometimes I don�t know her that well. There�s just too many things I know about her that she�s just a huge thing, but when you don�t know someone really well, you can start remembering specific things they did in the beginning and those things that you remember about them shows the real them. So when you don�t know someone that well, you actually know them better. (In the sense about things that stands out about them.)

Those people have said one thing, and I do mean everyone of those people have said this, and that�s that I can do anything I want. I can do anything I want to do. Whatever my heart desires. Like if I really wanted something I would just work hard and go for it, that I can achieve anything I want. Anything. I suppose it�s because of my confidence or something, or maybe just that healthy vibe that keep glowing because I always seem happy. Or something else, I don't know. I suppose if I look at myself, yeah, I might think that, but the truth is sometimes I really doubt that I am that kind of a person. And if I am, then anyone could be like me. Honestly, I want to be one of those person, someone who could do anything that they want to, but I've got to face reality and the truth is I am lousy at being one of those people. I'm not one of them. If I truly were then why do I feel so lousy? Why do I feel so worthless, like I haven't accomplished anything, like I'm not needed, like I'm just a fucking idiot that doesn't do shit? Mostly though, why aren't I happy?

So this is why I'm always unhappy, because I�m not fully happy. All those times I said I was happy. Those were temporary happiness because something great happened that made me forget about the rest of the shit I'm not happy about. That's what any happiness is right now, and what happiness will be for a while, temporary happiness. So what am I not so happy about? My family.

There�s my dad�EWhich I don�t think he is worth mentioning about for the most part. As a person, he is a lousy person�Eand he is a lousy husband too. I mean, I guess he�s not really all to blame, I know he has had a rough childhood and stuff and I know things weren�t great in his lifetime and I suppose that can excuse the fact about him being a lousy husband. But him being a lousy person in general I can let that go too. As for him being a dad�Enot too great either. For one thing he can�t control me. due to that fact, my mom gets mad at him, and this puts him in a pretty bad place. Becuz he is scared of my mom, he tattles on me. My dad tells my mom anything he can just so that he wont get in trouble, he even tags along now sometimes. Either way it�s annoying becuz most of the time, he�ll get in trouble by my mom anyway becuz he messes up something and he gets in trouble for what I do, so I figure why does he tell my mom anything anyway? I don�t particularly care about my dad, becuz most of the time he leaves me alone and I love being left alone. It�s the only thing he�s good at doing anyway �Eleaving me alone. He�s really been an asshole for the most part in my life, but you get used to it and you just don�t care anymore. Life hands you shit and you just got to deal with it, and sometimes the best way to deal is to not deal�Eso for the most part, I am okay with my dad. It�s just that sometimes he can really bother me about shit sometimes. It�s like what�s he have to say to me when he�s not even able to do it himself. He�s just a really bad person (personality wise) in general, which makes him a bad father and a bad husband, but you can�t change anyone, and that�s too bad becuz he should change.

The second person is my brother. Actually my brother and I are a lot like the relationship I have with my mom, but I think that�s becuz my brother is a lot like my mom. My brother is a very blunt person, he�ll say anything just strait out. If he feels like crying he go ahead and cries, even if his friends are around of my friends or around or anyone. It doesn�t matter to him. Sometimes I wish I could be like he is, becuz I suppose in a way, I could solve my problem with my mom and everything will be hunky dory, you know? But I�m not him becuz I�m just me and that�s the only person I can be. But my brother doesn�t seem to understand that concept and the reason he�s spoiled is becuz both my parents are easy on him. he�s life is pretty simple, but he�s only 7 so I guess that makes sense. Due to the fact that my dad is such a bad dad, he can�t control my brother really either. I mean, he�ll tell my brother to do his homework and he�s still playing video games, and he wont realize anything until 30 min later. Then he tells him to go again, and he still wont and that�s basically the way it worked. If my brother wasn�t happy with anything then he�d cry and boy would he fuss over it. one time I cracked a joke and I hurt his feelings and he started crying, not just tears rolling down crying, but the actually wahhh! kind of crying. I suppose at his age he can�t take a joke then, but sometimes I feel like he can be such a pain just becuz he doesn�t understand these type of things. I mean, he can�t take a joke? Grr�Eit�s kind of like zuri and I in a sense �Ewe just can�t get along. I don�t think it�s neither of our faults, but that our personality weren�t exactly made for each other. I suppose I�ve wanted to play the �big sister�Erole at some points, but he makes it so goddamn hard and really, frankly, it�s just not worth it. he takes me for granted too much and he�s never done shit for me (not that he could anyway) and all he does is complain about what I do when I do stuff for him and he�s always so fucking bossy when I try to help him. he�s like one of those I-can-do-it-myself-and-even-if-I-ask-for-your-help-I-wont-admit-I-needed-your-help type of person. I can�t stand him that�s all, and I don�t think anyone can, so I suppose I can start helping him out and stuff you know? I suppose I want some control over him, becuz a part of me still wants to play big sister, but another part of me can�t stand what type of person he is.

My biggest issue is my mom. Firstly before anything is said, I want to say that I literally feel sorry for her. her life resembles a lot like mine �Etons and piles of junk filled with shit on top of a to-do list in her head with an extra entr�e piled with junk that should�ve been done last week, add a side order of shit that needs to be done this week and for dessert �ESTRESS. Yep, that pretty much sums it up, and for the most part, my life is a lot like that. I just don�t have it as bad, or I handle it better. Whatever the case is I�m pretty sure my life would somewhat resemble hers. I suppose that�s one of the reasons why she�s in a bad mood so much, I mean your stress level is so high up that any lil thing will just tick you off and you�ll yell at them like crazy for practically no good reason. Sometimes I can�t help but be sympathetic to her, but mostly thought, I am so mad that we can�t just like talk. I wish I could tell her everything. I don�t even care if I break down crying like a baby, I want more than anything right now for her to understand. I want to be able to tell her everything and have her just nod back and not say anything. I want to show that I�m not really just me anymore, that I have learned a lot, I have discovered a lot, not just about how things work and stuff, but about myself too. I have learned what type of person I am, what I can handle and what I can�t. I know how I can control my stress and how it�s okay to cry sometimes and how love does hurt and mostly I just want to be able to say to her �mom, I�m not me anymore, I�m older. I�m wiser. I�m smarter. I can think for myself.�EBut I can�t say that unless I have backup proof and how can I possibly begin to tell her some of the shit that has happened? All I really want is for her to understand but I can�t do that. it�s like we speak two different languages�Eactually that�s the problem. We�re two different ppl, I don�t see things the way she does and she doesn�t see things the way I do, and we can�t understand each other which makes it hard to do anything, which makes it hard to understand anything. Which therefore makes it hard for anything to be accomplished between us. Right now if I had a wish. I would wish that my mom could understand, that she could see things the way I did. the she could accept the mistakes I made and realize that I made things right again�Eso if what ppl say is true, that I can achieve anything I want, then why can�t I make this happen?