When I arrived at the banquet, I saw Timothy with his mom. I waved to him a bit and he smiled at me. What I predicted would happened is different from what I wanted to happen. I still had foolish hope that maybe it would be different then what I had predicted.
The food was good, I guess. It had chicken, but later on I saw parmasian (which I can't spell). Those flat, long noodles, in cheese looking sauce. And I would've preferred that over the chicken, but oh well. The salad was good and so was the dessert.
Here's what I expected. I expected the Reyes', each of them to get an extra award. Angela, even more so. I expected Mike and Steph to get awards too, and I was pretty sure that Chris Chung would get something, along with other seniors. I expected Cameron, Mr. Allen's son, to get like 10 awards. My prediction was right, except about Cameron. He got a nomination from nearly every category, but he only won one of them. I don't know why I expected it, but I just so badly wanted to get another award, besides the one that everyone else gets. And there's 2 reasons behind this. 1- because I wanted my mom to see me get one and 2- because I was hoping that Mr. Allen does realize I exist. I don't think that Sophia tried any harder than I did, and I doubt that June would really care that much, but I guess that's not really the point. And I guess I would be happy for my friends, except I don't feel like they are my friends anymore.
This whole year has been learning about friends and friendship and yesterday I found out that one of my better friends will be moving. I still think that it's unrealistic. Why does he have to move? I feel like he's abandoning me. He's one of the few people that can cheer me up at school and he understands me so much and he never judges me, even though I have probably had something bad to say about his friends sometimes. He has always listened to my opinions and has understood my complaints and why I say them. And he's Enrique, one of the few people that I will truely miss, but I'm still hoping in the back of my mind it's some dirty trick, that he's just messing with me about this moving thing.
I guess I should be crying or something, but I'm not. With all the awful stuff in my life, I should be down in the pits right now, but maybe I haven't reached it like I thought I would. While I drove home yesterday, my mom was telling me about things that had happened in my life and I've realized that I've come a long way. I think I'm smart now and think that I've learned everything there is to know, but yet, there's more that I've yet to even discover. I guess it could also be because of this long weekend with Memorial Day. It's because I'm not at school with the people that bother me. Maybe that's why I'm not crying yet.
The only thing that surprised me at the banquet was that Mr. Allen asked, "and how are you, young lady?" as we came inside the room. I just stood there numb, unsure whether to let him have it or give him a fake smile. I didn't do either, but just stared at him and said, "fine." I couldn't really do anything with my mom there, but I know that even if she wasn't there, I would've just done what I did. I need to make some changes, now.
Mr. Allen will remain a teacher to me. Nothing more, nothing less. He is not a person I can tell my problems too, nor is he a person that will have enough memory to remember my petty problems. He wouldn't understand, nor would he give me the advice or comments that I need. He's missing too many pieces of the puzzle to ever figure out what I've been through and why I feel what I do. I'll listen to Mr. Allen and what he has to say about music and how I play, but that's it. I don't expect any companionship, any friendship or any sympathy from him.
As for the other person... I'll continue to give this person the cold shoulder. I might mumble a few words to this person, but nothing more than that. This person took everything away from me. My whole life changed because of this person... everything I believed in. My last hope gone because of this person.
There's only one good thing that happened out of this banquet, and that's that my mom was still proud of me nonetheless. She said that it doesn't matter that I didn't get an extra award because she wants me to do well academically. She ended up giving me 100 dollars, and that's better than any reward that anyone can give me, much less Mr. Allen. And I suppose that you think I'm lucky, but I'm not. I would trade my money for happiness if I could. You don't know what it's like to be me, because everyone has their own little worries. People don't realize that no one could ever fully be happy. No matter how happy you are, you're always going to think, "now if I had this, I would be so much happier," but once you get that, you're going to think of something else. There's no end to the cycle of wanting more to be happy. So don't go there yet, don't think that you want my money to be happy. You're perfectly content right now without this extra 100 dollars. You're surviving right now aren't you? Are you bleeding to death? Is someone chocking you? NO. So therefore, there's nothing you can say that will make you deserve 100 dollars. Though money is a wonderful thing, it's nothing when you don't have anyone worth sharing it with, not just boyfriend-wise, but friend-wise.