Enrique wasn't at school yesterday, but he was today. It felt weird, him not being at school... We were talking about next year's classes and the way he was talking about it, I start to doubt if he's actually moving...
Anyway... onto some real thoughts. I was thinking today about how if I should pretend nothing happened. It seemed like nothing really has. After all that anger has passed, I realized that there's still some hostility between Mr. Allen and I. Every time I see him trying to be all sweet on me and win me back, I feel disgusted. I feel as if he's trying to win me back because he thinks I'm naive and that things can go back to the way it used to be... before he forgot about me, but I know better. Things aren't going to change, and this angers me... the fact that he thinks nothing's changed, but I can't show disrespect to a teacher.
I've also been thinking a bit about what's happened between Nancy and I. It's not that I care, it's just that I wonder what's happened... Sometimes I think that we're both faking it. We don't talk anymore, which I think is a good thing, but I wonder if Nancy's changed at all. I always wonder if I've had an effect on Nancy at all. She doesn't seem at all devastated. She doesn't even seem to care. Sometimes I wonder if she's even human. Still no apology.
I was talking to Mike the other day about this and he said that maybe Nancy didn't apologize because if she did, she wouldn't mean it. I've thought about this too, but I don't think that's it. I think it's just that she doesn't know how to do the right thing... if she wants to that is.
Sometimes I keep thinking about the mistakes that I've made in the past, and I wonder if I could've done anything to fix any of this mess and how things turned out. I think that maybe my life would be better if I never met Nancy. I know this is the first time I actually directed any thoughts towards Nancy so openly... before I've only said "this peron" or I know "a person". I've thought about it, and I guess it doesn't really matter. These are my thoughts and it's not my fault you decided to read it and it hurt. No one ever told you to read it.
Even though so... I can't help but think what if someone that likes Nancy more than me will turn on me? The only person at this point who I really care about will turn on me is Jaclyn (Reyes), because I know she reads this and she doesn't know how I really feel about Nancy. Everyone else either already knows or doesn't read this diary. Jackie and I aren't even that close anymore, because we don't talk as much, but somehow her friendship still means a lot to me. She's probably one of the few people that still understands me. I would never make her chose between Nancy or me, or anything like that. She can talk to Nancy as much as she wants to. Plus, if she did happen to chose Nancy over me, I would start to doubt that she'd understood me at all.
I look at the past 6 months and all I see are how things fell apart. All I see is myself picking up the pieces. I see all the failures and how things could've been. I seel myself falling apart... picking, picking, and picking. I wonder sometimes if I messed it up or if she did. I wonder if I really mean the things that I say or think I know. I'm not angry at the situation, but I am angry at her. I always will be and whenever I look back at her she'll remain the person that couldn't even apologize to me even though we were friend for 4 years. A simple, "I'm sorry". That's alright. I guess even that can't be expected of certain people. And I'm sorry and maybe I shouldn't, but I feel sorry for those people.
I thought about how things will be next year... and I know there are 9 more days of school. I noticed that Nancy stopped using my cubby for the most part. I'm still using her locker though, but I'm going to stop next year. I think she has my white folder that she uses for Spanish... she can keep it if she wants, I don't really care.
I still have those $20 in dollar coins that she exchanged with me for a $20 bill. I haven't used it cause she told me not to, now I wonder if I should be evil and spend it or just give it back to her. (I do mean give, not exchange) One of the reasons I'd give it to her is because I feel sorry for her. Nancy, if you want the money, you can feel free to ask me, but I doubt you will because I doubt you want to talk to me, but hey, you should for money, shouldn't you? After all, you don't have much of it. I still have her watch with the smiley face, which I'll give back to her too. That's all I can think of for now...
I think this is my schedule for next year:
1- AP English Language
2- AP US history
3- French III
4- String Ensemble
5- Pre Calculus
6- AP Chemistry
I see a lot of things in the future for me, but I don't think I could ever stop seeing my past. It's scary to finally realize that this is it... It feels like a bad breakup this year... except worse. Anyway... I better go. Bye.