A lot of reviewers have said that I've been a lot more open in my diary than I have been, ever. I guess that's cause I'm at the point where I have nearly nothing to lose. The people that read this are people I trust and since I'm not talking shit about them, it's okay. I'm a lot more into writing here because this diary has been the place I turn to for all my thoughts.
I don't know why I just decided to write about it now, but I saw alee's diary. The entry about how Chris gave her roses.
I started thinking about how lucky it is that she even has a guy who loves her and that she can love back. I can see the distance thing getting in the way, but I also know that they're meeting soon... though, I could've sworn they were already supposed to. Anyway... I've always dreamed of some sort of normal, romantic, high school sweetheart kind of love. I know I still want it, but I can never seem to find someone even remotly worth it and if I do, the person is either with someone or doesn't even notice I'm alive.
I thought maybe Mike would be perfect. He wasn't with anyone, and he was worth to get to know. Then he got with Cynthia. It's not that I'm not happy for him, because I am. I was kind of disappointed and not sure how I felt. I thought I was over the whole thing, but maybe I'm not. I have this... I don't know, jealousy... I'm really jealous, but I'm being totally unfair. This is because I know that if Mike wasn't with Cynthia, I wouldn't be with him, because Mike's too confident. He's like egotistical-confident, but it doesn't really show unless you talk to him. He's the most unmodest person I know. And there's just something about an unmodest person that I can't stand. I don't know if it's because it makes me self-consious or if it makes me believe that they think they're better than me. Either way, I don't like it.
I don't know how I feel about Mike. I know I love him as a friend, and he loves me too, but I love him so much as a friend, I want myself to be like he's life, you know... I want him to come to me first with everything. I wanna be like... a best friend to him. And I know that I can't have that if Cynthia's there. So, I guess in a way, I just wish that Cynthia wasn't in the picture... This is really selfish and mean of me to say it because I don't even know Cynthia. She could be a great person for all I know... but I can't help but feel jealous. I'm just human, you know?
With Enrique leaving me next year, I have no one left. Maybe I shouldn't even go to Gahr... it just makes me kind of wonder. I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I don't have a label... not like before. I hate the position I'm in and this feeling of jealousy. I wish I could just let things be, but this high I get off of from Mike and mine's friendship... it's so addicting and every time I get a taste of it, I want more...