I've been thinking a little about what Mr. Allen said. He said that I was bipolar, meaning there are days where I'm just so goddammn cheery, and others where I have my head so low that you can't see my eyes anymore. I guess that's true, but that's just who I am and how things work for me. I'm not quite happy with my bipolar self because I don't like being that way. I am one of those routine person who likes things to be predictable. I've gotten my share of the forbidden fruit and sometimes I wonder what made it so appealing. It's not the greatest thing in the world, no, but once you're there, you don't really care... it's just the guilt afterwards that eats you alive.

I don't know about some things, but things at home seems pretty much at peace, I've actually been getting along with them okay. I mean, I've done what they've wanted me to, the dishes and all that crap, though, I don't get paid, I don't really care because it's all good, really. I'm even talking to my brother, I kind of have a routine down for his life, which I think is cool, because maybe he can talk to me or something when he's older. So things are pretty much perfect at home, or at least, as good as it's going to get at home, and I'm really happy things are going well.

I'm annoyed at Xander right now because he's being such an ass. I suppose it's not all his fault, sometimes I wonder if it's mine, like maybe I read something wrong or I DID something wrong, but it's not even like he deserves me. So why do I like him so much? Has it gone so bad that I've turned to him? I mean, I don't mean to sound like I'm a fucking picky ass bitch, but he's not exactly the perfect boyfriend, he's far from it. He's one of those types that flirts with other girls without realizing and later on will say "what are you talking about?" while he sees others doing the exact same thing, and then get mad at them for 'cheating'. What a hypocrite! I try to tell him, but nooooo.... never listens, just gotta do it their way or else. I just hate it when everything has to go their way even if they don't deserve it. I know next year is going to be like this one though, and things will be really hard to get through, I guess that's going to be okay for the while, but I'm thinking that maybe I should find myself a boyfriend. The first thought that came to mind was Chris, but that thought flew out the window in a snap. I'm too good for him, not smarter too good for him, but too good for him in general. Plus, he'll probably do something to screw it up anyway. I don't need Chris as an enemy. I really like Chris as a friend a lot, and I don't think I exactly want to lose that friendship, so I'll stick to that cause I don't want anything bad to happen between us. I don't like that shit.

The awards banquet tonight was pretty cool. I got some stuff, so that's cool I guess. I may not have been the brightest apple in the room, but I was around average at least, that's all I care about. Funny stuff and that shit happened... it was all good I guess.

Mainly at this point in my life, I just want to know where me and Chris stand, because really, I'm tired of this whole "we're kinda friends, but we're not..." I don't need that shit. I want an answer dammit and I'll get one and if I don't, he messed up. It's not my problem. He's too impulsive, he doesn't listen to his head, and if you don't listen to your head, usually your heart takes over and you're all about instinct so things would be different then. You can't think rationally with your heart, so the best is with your head, unless your heart is really good, but I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up one morning and forget everything and start over again. I'm just so fed up with all this bunch of crap, all a bunch of BS. No one really ends it, so I wonder why it's there.

Damn, I got Mystikal tomorrow. I don't want to go. Maybe I won't. I'm too tired. I don't know. I'll see... maybe I'll call Chris tomorrow. I don't get Chris... he wants me to call him and I try but his stupid phone is never on anyways. What the hell?

*Lanie