My mom claims that I should stay at home more often. Honestly, I think I stay at home too much, but not according to her. Nooo... according to her, I'm always at some practice and I'll stick around school just to avoid getting home. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it was true. But the only reason I do that is because I can't stand being home. It's so boring because I got nothing to do. so on Monday, I went over to Denysia's after school and she wasn't home, she went to Kathy's house to study or something like that. So then me and Nancy wanted to go to library, but I thought that I should call my mom, because I remember the week before that I screwed up getting home late or something or other like that, saying how I called my dad because I knew my mom would say no. Anyway, I called her and she said, "I want you to stay home, but if you really want to go to the library..." so I stayed home. I thought I did her the favor by listening to her, but that's not exactly what happened. I screwed up apparently because I wasn't thinking about going striaght home, I was thinking about going out. So basically, due to this fact, I did a bad thing. I didn't even do much on Tuesday. Chris even came by my house, but my mom didn't see him because he was gone to practice by then, but somehow she was still upset with me.
My mom knew that since it was the last day of school I wanted to go to the movies. At first it was supposed to be me, Nancy, Andre and Andrea. At the very last minute Andre got grounded and couldn't go because he was talking back or something like that. I don't know what happened with Andrea... Chris said that I was supposed to wait for him by the tables in front of Starbucks. I got there around 2:15 which was late as it is. What we were planning to do in the first place, was for my dad to pick me up, but I lingered around hanging out with Chris and AJ and lost track of time. It seems to me that I find any excuse to be around Chris. Anyway, so I missed my ride. Chris said he was going to go and get Anthony so he took off, said to meet him at the tables at Starbucks. So Nancy's brother gave us a ride to her house. Then we walked from her house to the town center. So it was 2:15 when we got there. Chris wasn't there and I had no idea what the fuck happened cause it had been an hour already. So we waited there for about 30 minutes, and we left the tables at around 2:50... something like that. We watched a little of Scooby Doo, then we saw Star Wars, then we sneaked back into Scooby Doo and it ended. Then we saw Chris and Anthony. Anthony was mad or that's what he said. He said he was so mad that he was gonna kill me, but I just let that go, cause it was a joke. Anyway, I kinda wanted to go or either that see the beginning of Scooby Doo, but Chris and Anthony said they were gonna watch Undercover Brother at 7pm. I know I should've left, cause maybe then I wouldn't have gotten in trouble with my mom, but I like Chris too much to do that, so as the idiot I always turned out to be, I stayed. The funny thing is, I don't know why I even should stay with them, they were being real dumbfuckers. Well, actually it was just Anthony, Chris didn't do anything. Anthony kept messing around with my head. Then I got pissed and I tried to hit him... didn't work too well. So that pissed me off even more, the fact that I didn't hurt him and he was just there laughing. what a dumbfucker. I was kinda pissed by then. They even threw popcorn at me right before the movie started. Anyway... so the movie started and I sat about 2 or 3 seats in front of them. Nancy was all the way in the front, because she likes the front. Don't ask me why she does, she just does.
So anyway, sometime during 8:30, I thought, they've pissed me off, I'm mad at them, and you know what I'm probably gonna get in trouble with my mom, I think I'll go now. So I went down to where Nancy was sitting and asked if she wanted to go. She said no, and that the movie would be over in about 30 min so I should just watch the rest of it. Well, she wanted to see it anyway... so being me, I said okay, and I let her. So I went back to my seat and I watched the rest of the movie. After it ended, it was about 9:00 so I wanted to go home now, but I didn't... and you know why? because being the DUMBFUCKER I AM, I wanted to stick around... just because CHRIS was there. So then I went to get some french fries at Burger King, and I shared it with Nancy. Then I got a boba tea thing. Then they wanted to use my phone, which I kinda feel bad for not letting them use now, they didn't really do anything. So I should've just let it go and let them use it, but I was just too mad at Anthony because he was screwing with me earlier and I was fucking pissed off. Anyway, so by then I had lingered on long and it was 9:30. So I thought, okay I should get home, because my mom even said that I should be home early, I just ignored those words, but I really shouldn't, and right when this was happening, Chris leaves to go to the bathroom... and you know what I was thinking: this is the perfect chance, because Chris had already left for elsewhere and he wouldn't be around, so when I leave right now, I wouldn't feel bad, because he's not here. I wouldn't feel like I need to be with Chris. Anyway, I left and then...
I came home and boy were my parents mad. My mom yelled and screamed at me some more. And all the while I kept thinking, "I did it again." "I screwed up." "I AM WORTHLESS." because I am worthless. I can't do anything right and I'm so tired of screwing up, but somehow I mange to. I started pinching myself and hurting myself in any way possible, without making myself bleed, and even though it hurt, it made me feel better because it felt like I was punishing myself, like I deserved everything I did to myself, which was true, I did deserve it.
so then last night (Friday) Chris tells me I messed up, that I take him for granted. (Not his exact words, but yeah, that's what he said.) I asked him how and he says I should know. He said that Anthony was mad at me because I didn't wait for him or something at Starbucks, or I ditched him or something. I'm not even sure what exactly it is that I did wrong. It was just that one part where he said that he wanted to kill me or whatever because he was so mad. Chris said that he was so fucking mad and he had to calm him down, and that's how I took him for granted. I talked to Anthony this moring and he told me that he was just messing around and he wasn't really mad at me. So I'm just like WHAT THE FUCK? What the hell, man? Then he goes on saying to me, I can't believe I waste something something on you, or something like that. And I'm just like YOU??? WHAT ABOUT ME? I'm the one that's getting pissed because of Anthony, you have no right to be pissed!!! What are you talking about?!? ARGG..... I'm so fucking mad now. I apologized to him and he wouldn't even accept it, saying that Anthony knows what friendship is and I don't. Well, then I guess I'm just a lousy friend who always screws up. That about sums it up doesn't it?
I tried liking him and caring about him and it didn't work. I tried not liking him and ignoring him and he says that I take him for granted. WTF am I supposed to do? I'm so tired of this crap. I just wish that someone would kill me. GUYS ARE SUCH CRAP. PEOPLE ARE SUCH CRAP. AND I AM AS CRAPPY AS THEY COME. I just wish everyone else could see it too.
*Lanie